The Jokes and Gag thread

[ianoz]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus stop.

Slightly embaressed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her to unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little embarrassed, she once again reached behind to unzipped her skirt a little more.

For the second time, attempted the step and, once again, much to her concern, she could not raise her leg. With a smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzipped a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned round to the would be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you....

unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[ianoz]

No matter what this husband did in bed; his wife never achieved an orgasm...

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you.'

That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice.

They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed.

Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice.

They go home and hire the same strapping young man.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.

The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, .... 'See that, you schmuck?

THAT'S how you wave a towel!!

[ianoz]

The Distrustful Wife...





A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid.

So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell her husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:


"Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went and got into the Maid's bed. She switched the lights off.


When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way withher.

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?"





And then she switched on the light.

"No ma'am", said the Gardener.

[ianoz]

RUNNING NUDE

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry!
Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got
a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had
been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.. Do you always
run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you
always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope ... just when it's raining.'

[ianoz]

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.
After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano it was time for the Star of the Show-
Claude the Hypnotist!


Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket
A beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations"
said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights twinkling as they were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
And then,
suddenly,
the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"


"SHIT" said Claude.


It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre

and Claude was never invited to entertain again!

[ianoz]

2 boys were talking and one said to the other, "There is a easy way to earn money..

The other boy said, "How?" The boy replied, "Tell people that you know their secret."

The boy jumps up to his dad, "I know your secret!" Dad replies,

"Please don't tell your mom. Here's $10."

The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" Mom said,

"Please don't tell your dad here's $15."

The boy then tries it on the mail man. "I know your secret!"

The mail man opened his arms and said...

"Come, give your dad a hug!"

[ianoz]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!"

[ianoz]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

---

“Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the rabbi replied,

---

“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,

---

“Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?” The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith” The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

---

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.” The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said,

---

“Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”

[ianoz]

Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children.

Then Ted died of Heart Disease.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Again Judy remarried, and this time

She & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"

Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel..."

[Stock]

This assh**e of a girl looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said,
"Is that Tooheys or Fosters?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath. Taste it and find out."

***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born
just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling her nipples she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."

***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
***********

[ianoz]

Two indigenous Australians were driving their well used and abused old EH Holden wagon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus".

Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'Gidday brudders! Two cold cans of Emu Export, tanks!'

The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube!'

The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in at dat fing, I gotta a letter from me doctor in Alice Springs saying dat I'm asthmatic

And I'll pass out if I blow inta dat.'

The cop smirked and said 'OK, in that case, we require you to give us a blood sample.'

'Nah, nah sorry, boss,' replied the driver. 'Can't be doin' that eifer. Got a letter from the Red Cross in Darwin sayin' that I'm a haemophiliac and I could bleed to deaf rel quick if I gave a blood sample. Nah, sorry, boss, can't do that!'

By now the copper was getting very irate so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.

The driver shook his head and said

'Nah, sorry boss, can't do that eifer.'

The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that as well!!!'

'Blood oath, mate!' says the driver,

'It's from Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of this lovely Country of Australia . She's apologised, and it says that you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!

[ianoz]

A butcher in his shop, and he's really busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads 'Please give me 12 sausages and a pound of lamb. l have money in my mouth.' The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten dollar bill there. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.

Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again. There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog. Kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. 'What the hell are you doing ? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake !', to which the guy responds 'Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week that he's forgotten his key.'

[ianoz]

A young Italian girl was going on a date.

Her Nonna said:
'Sita here ana leta me tella you about this-a younga boy.

He's a gonna try an a kiss you, you are a gonna lika dat, but don't let him do dat.

He's a gonna try an a kiss your breasts, you are a gonna lika dat too, but don'ta let him do dat eeda.

But mosta important, he's a gonna try an a lay on topa you, you are a gonna really lika dat, but don'ta let him do dat for sure.
Doing thata willa disgraza our family.

With that bit of advice, the granddaughterwent on herdate.


The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:
'And Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace our family as you said.
When he tried to lay on top of me,I just rolled him over,
got on top of him,and
disgraced HISa family!'
Nonna fainted!!

[ianoz]

A Welsh accountant decides to get away from the rat race and buys a small
farm in one of the valleys. He invests in half-a-dozen sheep, hoping to
breed them but after several weeks, he notices that none of them seem to be
pregnant, so he phones a vet for help.

The vet asks about his ram and when the farmer admits he doesn’t have one,
the vet says he’ll have to use artificial insemination instead.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting
to display his ignorance, asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are
pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and instead will lie
down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself, so he
loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex
with them all, brings them back, then goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes up and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are
all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and
loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs
each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed
exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. ‘Try
again,’ he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out
to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep, and upon returning home,
falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of
the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying
down in the grass.


"No," she says, "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping
the horn!"

[ianoz]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"