The Jokes and Gag thread

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[ianoz]

Two little old ladies were visiting the zoo one day and were attracted to the giraffe display inside a fenced area. A big male giraffe wandered over where they were and backed up to the fence, squatted a little and began scratching his butt on the fence. His family jewels were just above the little old ladies heads and swinging gently to and fro. Both ladies looked up and smiled. One of them took off her gloves and carefully reached up and lifted them up and down a couple times. The giraffe let out a grunt and took off across the pen, jumped the fence and disappeared over the hill. The zoo keeper came running over to the ladies and said, "Good lord ladies, what did you do to that giraffe?". The lady that took off her gloves said" I looked up and saw his jewels just above my head so I just reached up gently and lifted them a couple times and he just ran away. The zoo keeper reached down, unbuckled his belt , dropped his drawers and said " Here lady, would you lift these, I gotta go catch that damned thing."

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[ianoz]

The first picture ,Ireland ??????? Come on now

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WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: silence
MAN: Oh .hit......

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AND YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD A BAD DAY........

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Magic Sandals



A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around
the market looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small
sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper (with a Jamaican accent) say,
'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you
would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in
and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and
grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

[ianoz]

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little.."

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Compliments of Ian

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[jackpreacher]

Esmerelda comes home with a Wok.
Quasimodo says "..great! We're having a Chinese tonight?"
"No" she says
"I'm going to iron your shirts"

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[ianoz]

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”.

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!".




All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was extremely embarrassed and moved to another table.




After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”.




The guy then responded with a loud voice: “FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”.




All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.




The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

[ianoz]

Hey Guys , Found a couple of Home movies to Stock the Builder .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NL6TYW8ECUs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TiVjS6tnfE