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VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES
1 - How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
3 - Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of **** in there..
4 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
5 - Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
6 - What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
7 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
8 - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
9 - Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
10 - Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
11 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
12 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
It's called a Wedding Cake.
13 - Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.Leave a comment:
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At dawn the telephone rings...
"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob ..."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Bob."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Bob."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE.........
VERY LONG SILENCE............
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh*t."Leave a comment:
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The wild west
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man, "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy; "I'm learnin' somethin' here - got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.Leave a comment:
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A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting
across the aisle from him leaned
over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No Ma'am, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
I WISH I COULD THINK THAT FAST!Leave a comment:
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Paddys’ Pigs
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, `Paddy, me ol' mate, how we gonna tell who owns which pig?
’Paddy says, ‘Well Paddy, I’ll cut one a ta’ ears off my pig, and ten we can tell ‘em apart.’ ‘Ah tat’d be grand,’ says Paddy. This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the house.
`Paddy,' he said, `your pig has chewed the ear offa my pig. Now we got two pigs with only one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which pig?' `Well Paddy,' said Paddy, `I'll cut ta other ear off my pig. Ten we'll av two pigs and only one of them will av an ear.' 'Ha tat'd be grand,' says Paddy. Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again stormed into the house. `Paddy' he said, `your pig has chewed the other ear offa my pig. Now we got two pigs with no ears. How we gonna tell who owns which pig?' 'Ah tis is serious, Paddy,' said Paddy. `I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail offa
my pig. Ten we'll av two pigs with no ears, and only one tail.' `Ah tat'd be grand,' says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. `PADDY!' shouted Paddy, `your pig has chewed the tail offa my pig and now we got two pigs with no ears and no tails!!! How the hell are we gonna tell `em apart!!!!
`Ah booga it,' says Paddy. `How's about you have the black one and I'll have the white one.' ---------------------------------------------------------------------Leave a comment:
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Good Wife On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through.
"So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."
Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."
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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."
The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
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There are three mice in the airing cupboard.
Which one is in the army??
...
.......the one on the tank..
...........
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Nothing personal,just the first name on the forum.
There were three little dwarfs sitting around one day talking about the Guineas Book of World Records. The one said he bet he had the smallest hands in the world. So he runs into the library to read in the book if he is in there. A little while later he comes out smiling. The other two are all excited and ask him if he made the book. Yes I am in there! Yahoo!
Then next one says he thinks he has the smallest feet in the world. Same deal he runs in to check and a little while later he comes out smiling. Yahoo!! I have the smallest feet in the world!
So the third one thinks and says he thinks he has the smallest penis in the world. Bam, off he goes to check. A short time later he comes out with his head hanging down. The other two run up and say hey what's up?
He then says, " Either of you two know who Muz is?"Leave a comment:
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