The Jokes and Gag thread

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Deductive Reasoning
Having now been retired for a while, I sometimes have to create
opportunities to keep my deductive reasoning skills sharp.
Raked the leaves today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple
nice cold beers. The day was gorgeous, and the brew facilitated some deep
thinking on various topics.
Finally, I thought about the age old question: Is giving birth more
painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving
birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come
up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more
painful than having a baby; and here is the reasoning behind my
conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It
might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, have you ever heard a guy say, "You know, I think I
would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case . . . still sharp as a tack.

[jackpreacher]

There are three mice in the airing cupboard.

Which one is Scottish?



















...


.......the one on the pipes..............

[ianoz]

Stock , Which of your best mates sent that to you .

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[ianoz]

A young boy and his father are at a park and happen to come across two dogs having sex, curiousity strikes the boy and he asks his father what they are doing, dad says they are making puppies and away the go. Later that night the boy awakens frightened from a nightmare and goes to his parents room for comforting and catches them having sex, curiousity strikes again and he asked his father what he was doing, we are you making you a little brother says the father. Quite pissed, the little boys hollers, ROLL HER OVER!!!, I want a puppy!!!

[ianoz]

Still don't gert this one .

[Wazza]

Be careful out there....

IDIOT SIGHTING.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 ,and he said 'NOOO, it's not, Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since..



IDIOT SIGHTING.
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing .'





IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.




IDIOT SIGHTING.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'




IDIOT SIGHTING.
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee in ATO {Australian Tax Office}.



IDIOT SIGHTING.
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

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A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.



The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!'
and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.





The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said:
'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'


When you are young & foolish -
speed & flash may seem a good thing!

When you get older & smarter -
comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!

Us older folks understand this one, it's called S.O.S.
Slower Older Smarter.

[ianoz]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xoe5Vjl90-o

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1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember which I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

[Wazza]

Elementary

A mother is invited by her son, Anthony, for dinner ,he lives with a female roommate called Tina. During the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how very pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. "
So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has
been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony .
Several days later Anthony received a response by email from his Mama which read
: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN BED, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama. --

[Stock]

Here is the message that has just been posted:
***************
A couple of hunters were walking through the timber and came across a huge deep hole in the ground. "I wonder how deep that thing is?" says one of the guys.

"Lets toss something down it and see if we can hear it hit bottom." says the other.

They look around a little and find an old transmission laying in the weeds and decide that should make a nice sound as it hits the bottom of the hole. They drag it over and toss it in the hole.

All the sudden a goat comes running out of the bushes and dives down in the hole headfirst. As they stare in amazement a farmer comes walking up to them. "Hey fella's, have you seen my goat?"

"As a matter of fact, YES WE HAVE! " the 2 hunters reply.

"He came running out of the bushes doing about a 100 miles an hour and dove into this hole here!"

"That can't be." says the farmer, "I had him tied to a transmission."

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A bachelor farmer went into town a couple of days before Thanksgiving to buy a live turkey to butcher. It was somewhat cold and he was bundled up in his coveralls. The place that sold live turkeys was sold out, but they had a couple of live geese left. The farmer decided to buy a goose instead. As he was about ready to leave town to go home, he looked across the street at the movie theatre and saw that they were playing a movie that he had wanted to see. He had no place to store the goose, so he put it inside his coveralls and zipped them up. He paid for his movie ticket and sat down in the theatre A girl sat down beside him and her boyfriend sat down on the other side of her. The lights dimmed and the movie started. After the movie was playing awhile, the farmer remembered that he had the goose inside his coveralls and he thought it might be needing a little air. He then unzipped his coveralls and let the head of the goose out and continued to watch the movie.
After the movie was over with the lights came on and everybody was leaving. The boy noticed that his girlfriend had passed out during the movie and he patted her on the cheek until she regained consciousness. He said: "Why did you pass out? This wasn't a horror movie." The girl replied: "Do you remember that farmer that was sitting next to me? Well, he had his THING sticking out of his coveralls!" The boy replied back: "Well, you've seen my THING before and you didn't pass out."
To which the girl replied: "Yea, but his THING was eating my popcorn!"