The Jokes and Gag thread

[Stock]

Newfie Flight 101 was flying from St. John's to Fort McMurray one night, with Russell the Pilot and Glen the co-pilot. As they approached Fort McMurray Airport, they looked out the front window.
"Lord tunderin jeesus" said Russell "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is".
"You're not fookin kiddin, Russell" replied Glen.
"Right Glen. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Russell.
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Glen.
"And den ye put de flaps up straight away," said Russell.
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Glen.
"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can," said Russell
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Glen.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul," said Russell.
"I be doing dat already," replied Glen.
So they approached the runway with Russell and Glen full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Glen put the engines in reverse, put the flaps up, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tires and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimeters from the end of the runway much to the relief of Russell and Glen and everyone on board.
As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Russell looked out the front window and said to Glen, "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life."
Glen looked out the side window and replied, "Yeah Russell, but look how fookin wide it is."


h

[ianoz]

Scots ,the last of the romantics

Now I understand and am in awe, the Scots are so romantic.

They have that unattainable touch that us mere mortals cannot hope to reach for.

They bring a tear to the eyes of men who are limited by the mere behavioural trait of lesser human conditioning.

The Scots, surely the last of the romantics!
"http://www.youtube.com/embed/dYslhL71k1M?rel=0"

[ianoz]

Class Stock , Sheer class with that one .

[Stock]

Update on Cinderella


Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each others eyes
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you had the family jewels removed when I was a kitten. '

[Stock]

[ianoz]

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

[ianoz]

The Dead Cow Lecture This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard. First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked a them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. Note: I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

[jackpreacher]

A. I'll tell you next week.

[jackpreacher]

Q. How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

[ianoz]

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it? 'Heavens no, we bought it.' 'Then why don't you drive it away.' We can't drive.' Then why did you buy it?' 'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ......so we're just waiting.

[ianoz]

I know I'm quite emotional anyway, even so this story especially touched me......
A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving,
packed with other last minute shoppers.
Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from
a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.
She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used
it to call her husband to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery
shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond
necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would
get it for you...?"
His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and
stifling a sob she whispered: "Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."
"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to it!"

[ianoz]

God was missing for six days.





Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "God, Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it." I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries, "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, --- "What's that one?"

"That's Brisbane, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Queenland are going to be handsome, modest,intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled, "I will create Canberra. Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."

[ianoz]

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do
you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud
voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the
students in the library started staring at the guy. He was truly
embarrassed. After a couple of minutes the girl walked quietly
to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology and I know
what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed
right?” The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500
FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!” All the people in the library
looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ears: "I
study law and I know how to make someone look guilty.”

[Muz]

Try this one

[Dan]

Haha I know that clip.... but its region restricted mate and wont play .. see if I can get one that works brb