The Jokes and Gag thread

[ianoz]

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it? 'Heavens no, we bought it.' 'Then why don't you drive it away.' We can't drive.' Then why did you buy it?' 'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ......so we're just waiting.

[jackpreacher]

Q. How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

[jackpreacher]

A. I'll tell you next week.

[ianoz]

The Dead Cow Lecture This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard. First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked a them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. Note: I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

[ianoz]

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

[Stock]

[Stock]

Update on Cinderella


Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each others eyes
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you had the family jewels removed when I was a kitten. '

[ianoz]

Class Stock , Sheer class with that one .

[ianoz]

Scots ,the last of the romantics

Now I understand and am in awe, the Scots are so romantic.

They have that unattainable touch that us mere mortals cannot hope to reach for.

They bring a tear to the eyes of men who are limited by the mere behavioural trait of lesser human conditioning.

The Scots, surely the last of the romantics!
"http://www.youtube.com/embed/dYslhL71k1M?rel=0"

[Stock]

Newfie Flight 101 was flying from St. John's to Fort McMurray one night, with Russell the Pilot and Glen the co-pilot. As they approached Fort McMurray Airport, they looked out the front window.
"Lord tunderin jeesus" said Russell "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is".
"You're not fookin kiddin, Russell" replied Glen.
"Right Glen. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Russell.
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Glen.
"And den ye put de flaps up straight away," said Russell.
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Glen.
"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can," said Russell
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Glen.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul," said Russell.
"I be doing dat already," replied Glen.
So they approached the runway with Russell and Glen full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Glen put the engines in reverse, put the flaps up, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tires and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimeters from the end of the runway much to the relief of Russell and Glen and everyone on board.
As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Russell looked out the front window and said to Glen, "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life."
Glen looked out the side window and replied, "Yeah Russell, but look how fookin wide it is."


h

[Stock]

A bachelor farmer went into town a couple of days before Thanksgiving to buy a live turkey to butcher. It was somewhat cold and he was bundled up in his coveralls. The place that sold live turkeys was sold out, but they had a couple of live geese left. The farmer decided to buy a goose instead. As he was about ready to leave town to go home, he looked across the street at the movie theatre and saw that they were playing a movie that he had wanted to see. He had no place to store the goose, so he put it inside his coveralls and zipped them up. He paid for his movie ticket and sat down in the theatre A girl sat down beside him and her boyfriend sat down on the other side of her. The lights dimmed and the movie started. After the movie was playing awhile, the farmer remembered that he had the goose inside his coveralls and he thought it might be needing a little air. He then unzipped his coveralls and let the head of the goose out and continued to watch the movie.
After the movie was over with the lights came on and everybody was leaving. The boy noticed that his girlfriend had passed out during the movie and he patted her on the cheek until she regained consciousness. He said: "Why did you pass out? This wasn't a horror movie." The girl replied: "Do you remember that farmer that was sitting next to me? Well, he had his THING sticking out of his coveralls!" The boy replied back: "Well, you've seen my THING before and you didn't pass out."
To which the girl replied: "Yea, but his THING was eating my popcorn!"

[Stock]

Here is the message that has just been posted:
***************
A couple of hunters were walking through the timber and came across a huge deep hole in the ground. "I wonder how deep that thing is?" says one of the guys.

"Lets toss something down it and see if we can hear it hit bottom." says the other.

They look around a little and find an old transmission laying in the weeds and decide that should make a nice sound as it hits the bottom of the hole. They drag it over and toss it in the hole.

All the sudden a goat comes running out of the bushes and dives down in the hole headfirst. As they stare in amazement a farmer comes walking up to them. "Hey fella's, have you seen my goat?"

"As a matter of fact, YES WE HAVE! " the 2 hunters reply.

"He came running out of the bushes doing about a 100 miles an hour and dove into this hole here!"

"That can't be." says the farmer, "I had him tied to a transmission."

[Wazza]

Elementary

A mother is invited by her son, Anthony, for dinner ,he lives with a female roommate called Tina. During the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how very pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. "
So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has
been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony .
Several days later Anthony received a response by email from his Mama which read
: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN BED, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama. --

[Stock]

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember which I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

[ianoz]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xoe5Vjl90-o