The Jokes and Gag thread

[Stock]

TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A bl@*&y Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "bl@*&y Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "pithed Off" to "Let's get the bar stewards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

The Irish are too busy having the Craic and trying to get the terrorist in to the pub for a drink.......

[ianoz]

The girl at the Beach

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave... The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

'Well, what is it then? What does she do?' his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'

'Batteries?' cried the wife.

'Yes!' he replied.

PLEASE SCROLL DOWN

!
!
!
!
!
!
!


OOOOH! You're gonna dislike me for this - but it will make your day!


!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!


'She Sells C Cells down by the Seashore!'

[Stock]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Dublin, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Belfast, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.'

The third surgeon, from Galway, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Cork chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Tralee shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no 'small round objects', no brains, and no spine.. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

[ianoz]

Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened on 1st April?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring morning,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over my body.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little b*****d.

[ianoz]

A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a "beautiful" real golfer who lived in a villa on the
golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.
"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"
"Willis," he replied.

"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa,
rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered,
"but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," Willis finally agreed,
And added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND some up close driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile , she wont know any thing. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!", he answered.

[Stock]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.


The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honour, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Linament will Reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost
it.'

'CASE DISMISSED

[ianoz]

Irish Sugar Test







One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.







"Could you taste this for me, please?"







The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.







"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.







"No, not at all," says the chemist.







"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

[ianoz]

Subject: FW: Daddy calling home

>>
>>
>> **Rrriiiiinnnnggg, Rrriiiinnnngg,**
>>
>>
>> **'Hello?'**
>>
>> **'Hi honey.**
>> **This is Daddy.**
>> **Is Mommy near the phone?'**
>>
>>
>> **'No, Daddy.**
>> **She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>> Gabe.'**
>>
>>
>> **After a brief pause,**
>>
>> **Daddy says,**
>> **'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'**
>>
>>
>> **'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room
>> with Mommy,**
>> **Right now..'**
>>
>>
>> Brief Pause.
>>
>> **'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to
>> do.**
>> **Put the phone down on the table, run
>> upstairs**
>> **And knock on the bedroom door and shout to
>> Mommy**
>> **That Daddy's car just pulled into the
>> driveway.'**
>>
>>
>> **'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
>>
>>
>> **A few minutes later**
>> **The little girl comes back to the phone.**
>>
>> **'I did it, Daddy.'**
>>
>>
>> **'And what happened, honey?' **
>>
>>
>> 'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed
>> with no clothes on and
>> ran around screaming.**
>>
>>
>> **Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head
>> on the dresser**
>> **And now she isn't moving at all!'**
>>
>>
>> **'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'**
>>
>>
>> **'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on,
>> too..**
>>
>>
>>
>> **He was all scared and he jumped out of the
>> back window**
>> **And into the swimming pool..**
>> **But I guess he didn't know that you took out
>> the water**
>> **Last week to clean it.**
>>
>>
>> **He hit the bottom of the pool and I think
>> he's dead.'**
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> *****Long Pause*****
>>
>>
>> *****Longer Pause*****
>>
>>
>> *****Even Longer Pause*****
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> **Then Daddy says,**
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> **'Swimming pool? .............**
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> **Is this 486-5731?'*
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>

[Stock]

neil armstrong's secret, guaranteed to make you smile


on july 20, 1969, as commander of the apollo 11 lunar module, neil armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
his first words after stepping on the moon, "that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.
but just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "good luck, mr. Gorsky".

many people at nasa though it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut.however, upon checking, there was no gorsky in either the russian or american space programmes.
over the years many people questioned armstrong as to what the 'good luck, mr. Gorsky' statement meant, but armstrong always just smiled.
on july 5, 1995, in tampa bay , florida , while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to
armstrong. This time he finally responded.
mr. Gorsky had died, so neil armstrong felt he could now answer the question.

in 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town , he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbour's yard by their bedroom window.

his neighbours were mr. And mrs. Gorsky. as he leaned down to pick up the ball, young armstrong heard mrs. Gorsky shouting at mr. Gorsky.

"sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

true story.

[Stock]

[Stock]

[ianoz]

[Stock]

[Stock]

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. "Are you Mohammed?" he asks. "No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still." Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up." Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. "No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?" "Yes, please, my Lord." God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: "Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"

[Stock]

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if shecould have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted one, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.


The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No,"replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes,"said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that shewas really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night,when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the bl@*&y darts team had nay"