The Jokes and Gag thread

[ianoz]

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

[ianoz]

Good Wife On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through.
"So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."
Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."
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[ianoz]

Paddys’ Pigs

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, `Paddy, me ol' mate, how we gonna tell who owns which pig?
’Paddy says, ‘Well Paddy, I’ll cut one a ta’ ears off my pig, and ten we can tell ‘em apart.’ ‘Ah tat’d be grand,’ says Paddy. This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the house.
`Paddy,' he said, `your pig has chewed the ear offa my pig. Now we got two pigs with only one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which pig?' `Well Paddy,' said Paddy, `I'll cut ta other ear off my pig. Ten we'll av two pigs and only one of them will av an ear.' 'Ha tat'd be grand,' says Paddy. Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again stormed into the house. `Paddy' he said, `your pig has chewed the other ear offa my pig. Now we got two pigs with no ears. How we gonna tell who owns which pig?' 'Ah tis is serious, Paddy,' said Paddy. `I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail offa
my pig. Ten we'll av two pigs with no ears, and only one tail.' `Ah tat'd be grand,' says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. `PADDY!' shouted Paddy, `your pig has chewed the tail offa my pig and now we got two pigs with no ears and no tails!!! How the hell are we gonna tell `em apart!!!!
`Ah booga it,' says Paddy. `How's about you have the black one and I'll have the white one.' ---------------------------------------------------------------------

[ianoz]

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replied, "No Ma'am, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

I WISH I COULD THINK THAT FAST!

[Gridley]

The wild west

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.

"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man, "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the cowboy; "I'm learnin' somethin' here - got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

[ianoz]

At dawn the telephone rings...

"Hello, Seńor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Seńor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Seńor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Seńor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Seńor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Seńor Bob ..."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Seńor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Seńor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Seńor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Seńor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Seńor Bob."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Seńor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE............

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh*t."

[Stock]

[Stock]

The difference between Canadians and Americans

[Stock]

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES

1 - How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

3 - Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of **** in there..

4 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

5 - Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

6 - What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

7 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

8 - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

9 - Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

10 - Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

11 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

12 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
It's called a Wedding Cake.

13 - Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.

[Stock]

[ianoz]

Hey Guys , Found a couple of Home movies to Stock the Builder .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NL6TYW8ECUs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TiVjS6tnfE

[ianoz]

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”.

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!".




All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was extremely embarrassed and moved to another table.




After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”.




The guy then responded with a loud voice: “FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”.




All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.




The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

[Stock]

[jackpreacher]

Esmerelda comes home with a Wok.
Quasimodo says "..great! We're having a Chinese tonight?"
"No" she says
"I'm going to iron your shirts"

[Stock]