The Jokes and Gag thread

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.


A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

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Well if Mummy can be a bond girl I can be Robin...............

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Wise Italian Grandpa

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass
their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his
grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to
take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How
about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be
runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a
big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe
finda you wife inna bed with another man." Whatta you gonna do then?
Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'


THE JEWISH GRANDMA

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment.
I am in apartment 301.There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow , push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the
elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3.
When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"WHAT!!!! . . . You coming empty handed?"



Mrs O'Malley Snr

Lisa O'Malley was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lisa's grandma Mrs O'Malley Snr came by.

Grandma O Malley asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lisa told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma O'Malley said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma O Malley , he was bewildered and exclaimed,

"Wow, still going at it at your age?

How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma O'Malley replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."

The policeman collapsed.

[mogman]

Sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

you go steady there marathon man

Mog

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Sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spotted survivors of a ship that had just sunk.
"Follow me son" the older father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing,
" And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.
" And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,
"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise old father replied,


"Because they taste better without the sh1t inside!"

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In a tiny village on the Kerry coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to O'Malley the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local Post Master) to make proper "final" arrangements.
As a last wish, she informed O'Malley that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her headstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as O'Malley the undertaker & the postal clerk went to prepare the headstone that the lady had requested.
It soon became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED."

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An O'Malley's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies.

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O' Malley and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions.

No running water, no electricity, etc.

One night, O'Malley' wife is begins to deliver the baby.

The local doctor is there in attendance.

"What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?"

"Hold the lantern, will ya!

Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.

"O Malley, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy."

"Saints be praised, I..." Before O'Malley can finish the Doctor interrupts,"Wait a minute.

Hold the lantern, Come on quick!!!.

" Soon the doctor delivers the next child.

"You've a full set now, O'Malley.

A beautiful baby daughter."

"Thanks be to..."

Again the Doctor cuts in, " Jeesus Hold the lantern, Hold the lantern!"

Soon the Doctor delivers a third child.

The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.

"Doctor," asks O Malley, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

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O'Malley & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" O'Malley: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

O'Malley goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me". O'Malley says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".


O'Malley was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

'Twenty quid ...' she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, it's only twenty quid.

So they hide in the bushes.

They're going at it for a couple of minutes when suddenly a light flashes on them.

It's a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to my wife,' O'Malley answers indignantly.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well,' Paddy says, 'neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.'

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O'Malley was walking home from the pub one night when, lo and behold, he sees one of the Little Folk. He sneaks up and catches him in his stare, and demands three wishes for the little mans freedom.
"Granted" says the man in green, "but whatever I do for you O'Malley, O'Reily will get twofold!"

Now O'Reily is no friend of O'Malley, in fact they hate each other, but O'Malley agrees.

"For my first wish I'd like a mansion full of expensive antiques and beautiful women."
"Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two!"
"For my second wish I'd like a beautiful, sexy, redheaded nymphomaniac."
"Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two women."
Now by this stage O'Malley is pissed off, the hated O'Reily getting two mansions and two nymphomaniacs.

Suddenly inspiration hits him. "For my third wish, I want you to remove one of my testicles!"

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At an Irish wedding, everyone got drunk. The bride's and groom's families wrecked the reception hall fighting with each other. The police had to break up the fighting. The next week, both families were in court. The judge asked, "All right now, what happened?" O'Malley rose and said, "Judge, I was the best man. I should explain what
happened." "Go ahead, O'Malley. Take the stand.
"O'Malley explained, " your honour as per tradition, I as the best man got the first dance with the bride. After I finished my first dance, the music kept playing, so we danced too a second song, and then the music kept going some more so we danced fer a third song,den all of a sudden, the groom leapt over the table, ran to us, and gave the bride an unmerciful kick, right between her legs!"

The shocked judge said, "By God, that must have hurt!"

"Hurt? Hurt! god you'll never know how it hurt " replied O'Malley , "Da hoor broke three of ma fingers!"