The Jokes and Gag thread

[Stock]

This assh**e of a girl looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said,
"Is that Tooheys or Fosters?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath. Taste it and find out."

***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born
just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling her nipples she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."

***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
***********

[ianoz]

Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children.

Then Ted died of Heart Disease.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Again Judy remarried, and this time

She & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"

Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel..."

[ianoz]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

---

“Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the rabbi replied,

---

“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,

---

“Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?” The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith” The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

---

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.” The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said,

---

“Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”

[ianoz]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!"

[ianoz]

2 boys were talking and one said to the other, "There is a easy way to earn money..

The other boy said, "How?" The boy replied, "Tell people that you know their secret."

The boy jumps up to his dad, "I know your secret!" Dad replies,

"Please don't tell your mom. Here's $10."

The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" Mom said,

"Please don't tell your dad here's $15."

The boy then tries it on the mail man. "I know your secret!"

The mail man opened his arms and said...

"Come, give your dad a hug!"

[ianoz]

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.
After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano it was time for the Star of the Show-
Claude the Hypnotist!


Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket
A beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations"
said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights twinkling as they were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
And then,
suddenly,
the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"


"SHIT" said Claude.


It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre

and Claude was never invited to entertain again!

[ianoz]

RUNNING NUDE

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry!
Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got
a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had
been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.. Do you always
run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you
always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope ... just when it's raining.'

[ianoz]

The Distrustful Wife...





A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid.

So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell her husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:


"Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went and got into the Maid's bed. She switched the lights off.


When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way withher.

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?"





And then she switched on the light.

"No ma'am", said the Gardener.

[ianoz]

No matter what this husband did in bed; his wife never achieved an orgasm...

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you.'

That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice.

They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed.

Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice.

They go home and hire the same strapping young man.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.

The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, .... 'See that, you schmuck?

THAT'S how you wave a towel!!

[ianoz]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus stop.

Slightly embaressed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her to unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little embarrassed, she once again reached behind to unzipped her skirt a little more.

For the second time, attempted the step and, once again, much to her concern, she could not raise her leg. With a smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzipped a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned round to the would be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you....

unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[ianoz]

A female reporter was conducting
an interview with a farmer about
Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do
you have any idea what might be
the cause of the disease?" "Sure.
Do you know the bulls only screw
the cows once a year?" "Umm, sir,
that is a new piece of information,
but what's the relationship
between this and Mad Cow?" "And
did you know we milk the cows
twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's
interesting, but, what's the
point?" "Lady, the point is this: if
I'm playing with your tits twice a
day, but only screwing you once a
year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

[Stock]

A man had just Boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh1t all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'.

[ianoz]

"Male Sensitivity"






The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.






The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"







Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

[ianoz]

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.










After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family is expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.










A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

Gotta love those senior citizens!

[ianoz]

"Five Horses Is Her Name" This is too beautiful not to share! "Five Horses Is Her Name" This is mythical and deep ... Truly beautiful. A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She is called Five Horses". The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean ..." "NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"