The Jokes and Gag thread

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler named O'Malley were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the O'Malley trainer came to him and said "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."

The O'Malley nodded in acknowledgement.

As the match started, the O'Malley and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing O'Malley and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and O'Malley collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got O'Malley alone, he asked "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The O'Malley answered "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."


The trainer exclaimed "That's what finished him off?"


"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own b*****" !!!.

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O' Malley and a friend leave the pub. O' Malley says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home'.

'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.

We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies O' Malley.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while O' Malley keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, O' Malley shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'

'I can't find a No. 91'

'Oh for goodness sake, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout instructs O' Malley .

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Paddy is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."

Paddy thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, the genie makes a **** sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer.Paddy starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

Paddy says, "I want two more of these."

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Paddy and Mick shared first prize of €500,000 in the Irish Sweepstakes and were celebrating their winnings over a jar of stout.

"But Paddy, Oi've been thinking," Mick said with a worried frown, "what will we do with all them beggin' letters?"

"Aah to be shure," said Paddy, "we'll just go on sending 'em out."

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O'Malley meets Mick at the bar and he is looking somewhat sheepish and embarrassed. Mick says, "Hey O'Malley, what's wrong?" says,O'Malley "I received a party invitation last night and it plainly said 'Black Tie only'. But when I got there, everyone was wearing suits too!"

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An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.
As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, "Hey, what's that little green thing down there?"
The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, SPLBLBLBLT! right in the face and runs back to the Irishman.
The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?"
The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."
"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.

An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little b*****d!" he says.
The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again -- SPLBL BLBLBT!
This time the Englishman is really mad!
"Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his dick off! he shouts.
"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have those."
How do they pee, then?" asks the bewildered Englishman.

"They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT’."

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Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

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Paddy was walking down the street,when he saw Mick carrying a sack. When they met up, he asked, "What have got in that there sack?" Mick replied, "Just some chickens." Paddy said, "If I guess how many chickens are in that there sack, can I have one?" Mick answered, "I'll give ye both of them if you get it right." So, Paddy thought, and he finally said, "Five?"

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Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy,
"this is her husband!"

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The O'Malleys is going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready , all dolled up , but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.

However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house. They didn't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver:' He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother'.

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

'Sorry I took so long' says O'Malley. ' but the stupid b!tch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to stop her scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her in the back yard. She better not crap in the vegetable garden again !'

The silence in the cab was deafening

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Q. How do you know when you have a jet plane full of English people?
A. When they turn off the engine you can still hear the whining


An English man visits his GP and says, “Every time I go on holiday, my wife gets pregnant.
Went to France and she got pregnant.
Went to Ireland and she got pregnant a second time.
Went to Spain and she got pregnant a third time.”

The doctor is a bit surprised and says, “Have you thought of using some protection to avoid this?”

The man replies, “No, but I’ve been thinking that maybe next time I should take her with me.”

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Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, " Bollox, feck, shite I have I have but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

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A golfer was on vacation in Ireland and while playing he made a hole-in-one. With that a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, "I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I'll grant you any wish."

The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make me wiener a bit larger?"

Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee it was showin' below his shorts. He continued his game and on the 15th hole it was draggin' along behind him. By the 18th he could hardly make it to the green.

He went straight to the pro shop and asked the pro how to fix it. He was told that legend has it that you must go back and make another ace and see the leprechaun again. After purchasing five buckets of balls he made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally he made the hole-in-one. Again the leprechaun offered any wish.

The player asked, "Could ya make me legs a bit longer?"

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Susan loved growing tomatoes , but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red . One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon Ross her neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge, red tomatoes..


Susan asked Ross, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
Ross responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat, and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, Susan was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks, she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day Ross was passing by and asked Susan, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red "
No", Susan replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

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I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world, moaned Betty McGrath.
I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.



A Corkman was charged with murder but was acquitted by the skin of his teeth. Afterwards he told his lawyer that he could prove he was innocent because he was in jail at the time the crime was committed.
'Why on earth didn't you tell that to the court?' asked his lawyer.
'I thought that it might prejudice the jury against me', said the Corkman.



'My long lost brother is returning on Sunday. I haven't seen him since he left Ireland thirty years ago,' said Mick. 'He wrote to say he'll be arriving at Shannon airport at eight in the morning.'

'If he's been away that long,' asked Sean, 'how will you recognise him?'

'I won't,' reasoned Mick. 'But he'll recognise me cos I've never been away at all.