The Jokes and Gag thread

[ianoz]

Great stuff Stock ,Certainly put a smile on my dial .

[Stock]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.

He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. Me husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?”

She says, “That he did, Father …”

The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”

She says, “He said, “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”

[Stock]

A group of Americans was touring Ireland.
One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining.
The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible.
It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said.
"Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it.
Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.
"We have some other boring tour to go on.
So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

[Stock]

Murphy says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shaggin' the wife. The whole street was watchin' an' laffin' yesterday. Paddy responds, "Well, the joke's on them...I wasn't even home yesterday!"



Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting, but when he gets to his favorite field he sees the village priest is already there.

Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops out. The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack.

He repeats this unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full of rabbits.

Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it.

Easy, says the priest. Put your finger on your wife's pussy and then hold it over a rabbit hole. They can't resist the smell, so when they come out grab them."

Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor.

He lifts up her skirt and applies his finger as directed. Without looking up, Maureen giggles, "Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?

[Stock]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.! The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best s*x that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
f**k or drown.'

[Stock]

Ian's house.....................

[Stock]

[Stock]

This better not happen tomorrow night when I get back........................... note too oneself RING FIRST.............

[Stock]

IRISH FARMER ANSWERS TAX DEMAND

Below is text from an actual letter received by the Revenue
Commissioners at Co. Longford, Ireland, from a farmer in reply to a
final income tax demand.


Dear Sirs,

Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have
given my son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy
reflection of thought the account could have been settled long ago,
and you could not understand why it hadn't. Well, here is the reason.

In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit. In 1988 I bought a combine
harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double barrel shifter, two
cows and ten razor back pigs, also on credit.

In 1989 the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn
thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody premium lapsed. One of
the horses went lame and I loaned the other one to my brother who
starved the poor bugger to death.

In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he tried to
marry one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got my daughter pregnant
and I had to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of my relatives.

In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had to
be castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing on the
Shannon and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my sons,
neither being the ****ing eunuch who was by now wearing his sister's
make-up and dresses.
Not long after he emigrated to America with the new parish priest.
They are now married and trying for children.

In 1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish and left me
with new-born twins as a souvenir and I had to get a housekeeper, so I
married her to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her
pregnant (to qualify for more children's allowance). I went to see the
doctor. He advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment
so that night I brought my shotgun to bed and when I thought the
moment was right I leaned out of bed and shot both barrels through the
window, the wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself, and the next morning
I found I had blown both doors off the barn, shot my best dairy cow
and killed the ****ing knacker who was in the hay loft with my
daughter trying to get more money out of me, which he
did because I had to pay for the ****er's funeral expenses.

The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull, poisoned
the water, and set fire to the house. I was bolloxed and took to the
drink and did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a
weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy
for a time.

This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase) a
bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shannon
flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my second wife got VD from a
land inspector and my last surviving son died from wiping his arse on
a poisoned rabbit I had put down for dogs who were worrying my sheep.

It surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble if I
don't pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed I should like
to know about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to
butter a hedgehog's hole backwards with a knitting needle. I'm praying
for a cloud of cat shit to pass your way and I hope it will fall on
you and the b*****ds in your office who sent me this final demand.

Yours for more credit,

John Murphy

[Stock]

[Stock]

Economics.................

[Stock]

http://i760.photobucket.com/albums/x...g?t=1340570424

[ianoz]

THE FIRST OLYMPICS JOKE?.


It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't
got tickets.


The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to
the gate.

"McTavish, Scotland ," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his
shoulder.

"Waddington-Smythe, England ," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it
under his arm.
"O'Malley, Ireland ," he says,
"Fencing."

[ianoz]

I'm getting too old to shop
I'm sending this note from the police station.
I had a little problem at the grocery store earlier today.
I was at the checkout and the cashier said "strip down, facing me".

Apparently she was talking about my debit card!

[Keith]

Senior Romance!

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few

seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,

muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,

'You need a piece of tail. '

I turned with a confused look on my face and said,

'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite