The Jokes and Gag thread

[Wazza]

Didn't know where to park this so I put it here ..


About cars..

Understeer is when the front of the car hits the tree first.
Oversteer is when the back of the car hits the tree first.
Horsepower is how fast you hit the tree.
Torque is how far you moved the tree.

[ianoz]

A bear and a squirrel were walking through the forest when the stumbled on a magic frog who said he would grant them both three wishes. The bear goes first. "I wish all the bears in the forest besides me were female" said the bear. "Then I'd get laid all the time." "It is so." Said the frog, and all the bears in the forest besides him were female. The squirrel goes next. "I wish for a motorcycle." He said. "It is so." replied the frog, and a motorcycles appeared. The bear went next with his second wish. "I wish all the bears in all the neighboring forests were female." "It is so" said the frog. Then the squirrel. "I wish for a helmet." The frog waved his hand and a helmet appeared for the squirrel. Then the bear had his last wish. "Okay, why not?" He says. "I wish all the bears in the world, besides me were female." "It is so." Said the frog, and he made it happen. He turned to the squirrel and asked "What is your third and final wish?" The squirrel shouted "I wish the bear was ***!" and he hopped on his motorcycle and drove off.................

[ianoz]

A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical:
- Doc, do you think I’ll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?
- That depends,” says the doctor. Do you smoke?
- No
- Do you drink?
- No
- Do you fool around with loose women?
- Of course not
- Well, then, why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years

[ianoz]

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.. 'Dactor, it's me ahrse.I'd like ya ta teyk a look, if ya woot'. So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. 'Incredible', he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.' Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears. 'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?' 'Well fur gadness sake teyk it out, man!' shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc..... Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear. 'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?' The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.' 'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman 'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.'

[Stock]

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box One with Call of Duty Ghosts and a Samsung Galaxy Note 3 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day!

Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Timmy

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend alone in your room playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat and lose your social skills! Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with and socialize with others.

Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "Naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,
Tim Jones
-------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
---------------------------------------------------------------
Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it!!!! I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespectin' me. I'm 'boutta tweet my homies and we gonna be waiting for yo fat azz and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever damn else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, BRO!

T-Bone
---------------------------------------------------------------
Listen Pizza Face,

Bro??? Seriously??? First off I'm NOT you "Bro!" Secondly, You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza rolls all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked
for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your azz and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy
------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy
------------------------------------------------------------------
Timmy,

That's what I thought, you little sh*t!

Santa!

[ianoz]

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm.

She didn't panic since she remembered what her dad had once told her. “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.”

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for almost an hour before driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.

She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?”

[ianoz]

Irish Ghost Story

THIS STORY happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

Look, Paddy... there’s that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!

[ianoz]

Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish on the Northern Ireland/ Southern Ireland border and Patrick is the priest in the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign into the ground, which says:

TA END IS NEAR!

TURN YERSELF AROUN NOW

AFOR IT IS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Oirish religious nutters! We don't need your lectures."

From the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Rev. Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say, 'Bridge Out?'

[ianoz]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up
dere,"says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the
birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of
the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says
"Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and
jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing
himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says

"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet
shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper
bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of
the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says "And I'm never trying dat
parrotshooting either!"

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
Og appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of
which he pulls a chicken.

Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down
until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping,

den Seamus parrotshooting

...and now Sean Og and his fook'n hengliding!

[ianoz]

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.

She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.

A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."

[Stock]

Use Adult words

---

A group of nursery children were trying very hard to become accustomed to the infants school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk. You need to use "Big People words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People words!"

She then asked Michael what he had done

"I had a ride on a choo-choo."

She said. "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People'
words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done?

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alex thought really hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said:
"Winnie the SH1T!"

[ianoz]

---

A group of nursery children were trying very hard to become accustomed to the infants school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk. You need to use "Big People words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People words!"

She then asked Michael what he had done

"I had a ride on a choo-choo."

She said. "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People'
words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done?

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alex thought really hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said:
"Winnie the SH1T!"

You been stealin my jokes ?????

[ianoz]

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me...

[Stock]

Council Job Interview

A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies,” Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Lebanon for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K.. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.

Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am – and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment you know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our b?llo;ks.
There's no point in you coming in for that!

[Stock]