The Jokes and Gag thread

[Wazza]

The Judge

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use, I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram your honour, I drew two circles like this: O o, Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy, "And how did you do?"
"Well your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison..................

[ianoz]

FLU SEASON - Read till the end




To avoid it...
Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.



Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.



Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.



Walk for at least an hour a day,

go for a swim,


take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.


Wash your hands often.
If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.


Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.



Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.



Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?

They clean your arm with alcohol...

Why?


Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So...


I walk to the pub. (exercise)

I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)

Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)

Tell jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)

Then I pass out. (rest)


The way I see it...


If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!
REMEMBER:
'A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!'

Live Well -
Laugh Often -
Love Much

[Stock]

Paddy, a brave Irish fighter ace, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Shannon.
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Paddy, kiss me!"
Paddy grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What da **** are you doing, Paddy?" says the startled Marie.
"T'is Paddy I am , the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and
Marie says, "Paddy, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
"Paddy!! she shrieks What da **** are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.
I am Paddy, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Paddy, kiss me ! much lower!"
Paddy rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Shannon.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously,
"PIERRE, WHAT da F**K was all that about you langer?"
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, and shouts for all to hear.
"I am Paddy, the fighter pilot!"
"If I go down, I go down in flames!"

[Stock]

[Stock]

Britans new anthem.......

http://s760.photobucket.com/albums/x...t=National.mp4

[Stock]

Points to Ponder


Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?


If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Do you cry under water?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway ?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !


If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me !!!!)

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from ?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster

[Stock]

I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
I'd love to be eight again' she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!
He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lo ly and M&Ms!
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation... 'I meant my dress size, you stupid idiot !!!'
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.....

[ianoz]

An old woman was sitting on the porch with her husband of many years, sipping a glass of wine. She says, "I love you and don't know how I would get along without you." The husband says, "Was that you or the wine talking?" She says, "I was talking TO the wine

[Stock]

[Muz]

Well we know that pic wasnt drawn by a farmer anyway

[Stock]

[Stock]

Toilet Cleaning Instructions :

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and
add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.

Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. !

[Stock]

2 women are having a coffee and catching up:

So, how was your evening last night?

A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. Nightmare, and you?

Oh, mine was incredible.. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and we chatted until late.. It was wonderful...

2 men are having a pint and catching up....

So, how was your evening last night?
Incredible! When I came home, the food was just ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife, You?

A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bl@*&y fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...! The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f..k..g candles to avoid knocking everything over. I was so wound up and pithed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to finish. In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing.......disaster.

[ianoz]

See if you can work all this out:



There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a long driveway, down to a large red light, at the bottom of the hill.




There were four men ...

One man was walking briskly up the hill;

One man was inside the brothel;

One man was walking slowly down the hill, and ...

The fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.



What were the nationalities of the four men??















1. The man going up the hill, was Rushin' ..

2. The man in the brothel: Him-A-Layin' ..

3. The man walking down the hill, he was Finish ...

















Now wait for it ........................................... !!!!!!




















4. The man in the car at the bottom of the hill, was Irish ... and he was waiting for the light to turn green!!

[q4016lanz]

Good advice