The Jokes and Gag thread

[Stock]

The thoughts of that invokes the idea of pain...............

[ianoz]

The Best Gunfighter in the West

Jimmy wanted to be the best gunfighter alive in the Old West. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day.

So Jimmy walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."

"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Definitely," said the old man.

Young Jimmy did what he was told, and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"Wow!! - that really helped! Do you have any more suggestions?"

"Yeah - if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Sure will," said the old man.

Jimmy did what he was told, and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Man! - this is really helping, no end! Is there anything else you can share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."

Young Jimmy didn't hesitate and started putting the grease on the gun barrel.

"No, no - the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man.

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"No," said the old man - "but, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano, he's going to put that gun where the sun don't shine - and if it's well greased, it won't hurt as much."
__________________

[muchmud]

This is no feckin joke....................

shuddup

[Stock]

Whens it going to stop ruddy raining which is enough to p... anyone off but now we're being warned that stand pipes (effectively water rationing ) may be bought in shortly here in glorious Essex U.K. I'm ankle deep in the ruddy stuff out back, the barn floor is awash and timber is drifting around like a DIY logging op and stand pipes......for f..ks sake.

This is no feckin joke....................

[muchmud]

Whens it going to stop ruddy raining which is enough to p... anyone off but now we're being warned that stand pipes (effectively water rationing ) may be bought in shortly here in glorious Essex U.K. I'm ankle deep in the ruddy stuff out back, the barn floor is awash and timber is drifting around like a DIY logging op and stand pipes......for f..ks sake.

[Stock]

[Stock]

Can you believe it?

Tax office - has sent my income tax return form back to me because In response to question # 4. - "Do you have any Dependants?"


I replied:


.1 million illegal immigrants

.20k wasters

.4 million unemployable people

9 thousand people in over 5 prisons

and 170 idiots in Government.............



Apparently, this is NOT an acceptable answer. -

So who did I miss ????

[Stock]

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!) __________________________________________________ Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA ) A:Depends how much you've been drinking. __________________________________________________ Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden ) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. __________________________________________________ Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK ) A: What did your last slave die of? __________________________________________________ Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA ) A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not .... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA ) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. _________________________________________________ Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK ) A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do... __________________________________________________ Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA ) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK ) A: You are a British politician, right? __________________________________________________ Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany ) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. __________________________________________________ Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA ) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. __________________________________________________ Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA ) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. __________________________________________________ Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA ) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. __________________________________________________ Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France ) A: Only at Christmas. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA ) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

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The Importance of walkingWalking can add minutes to your life.This enables you at 85 years oldto spend an additional 5 months in a nursinghome at $4,000 per month.My grandpa started walkingfive miles a day when he was 60.Now he's 97 years oldand we have no idea where the hell he is.I like long walks,especially when they are takenby people who annoy me.The only reason I would take up walkingis so that I could hear heavy breathing again.I have to walk early in the morning,before my brain figures out what I'm doing...I joined a health club last year,spent about 250 bucks.Haven't lost a pound.Apparently you have to go there!Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',I wash my mouth out with chocolate.I do have flabby thighs,but fortunately my stomach covers them.The advantage of exercising every dayis so when you die, they'll say,'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'If you are going to try cross-country skiing,start with a small country.I know I got a lot of exercisethe last few years,......just getting over the hill.We all get heavier as we get older,because there's a lot more information in our heads.That's my story and I'm sticking to it.ANDEvery time I start thinking too muchabout how I look,I just find a pub with a Happy Hourand by the time I leave,I look just fine.

[ianoz]

Grandma and grandpa were watching a religious healing program on TV.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the TV and the other on the body part they wanted healed.

Grandpa hobbled to the TV and put one hand on the TV and the other on his crotch.

Grandma looked at him with disgust.... "You just don't understand do you, you old coot.. The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead!!"

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MONDAY

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex... Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor The doctor told her that teenagers today were verywilful and anyattempt to stop the girl would probably result inrebellion. He thentold her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birthcontrol and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for adate, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box ofcondoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over tohug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'


TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said,Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!' The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.' The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!' The preacher said, 'No shit?'

WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-oldson to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angelappeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feedhim pancakes. That should solve the problem.' The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?' 'Just take two,' Brenda replied. The rest are for your father.'

THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed withanother woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.Brought before the court, onthe charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defence. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs isenough to have killed most of us sitting here, yearsago.. Red meat isawful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous,and none ofus realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'


SATURDAY

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman whoknocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him andask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'


SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Denmark .. As they stopped at a cheesefarm, a young guide led them through the process of cheesemaking, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

[Stock]

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's
temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every
time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When
your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water
and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't
swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home
drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae
touch me even once! "Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water
do that?"

The Doctor says: "Janet, it's really nae big secret. The water does
bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

[Stock]

An oldie but a goodie…





A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for Melbourne, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello," he blurted out, "Emigration, Business trip or Holiday?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the Australia."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded, ”I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"OOH! rite rite," he smiled,
"what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[Stock]

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!


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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"



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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your f***ing plane!"


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Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


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Q.. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A.. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!


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Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

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Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"


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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

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Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

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DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland .. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ??'

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!