The Jokes and Gag thread

[ianoz]

THE IRISH CONTRACTING FOR TELSTRA! TELSTRA needed to hire a team of telephone pole installers for the Stuart Highway, and McMurray and the boss had to choose between a team of two guys from Port Pirie and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most poles gets the job." Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Bud and Buddy, the two Port Pirie guys came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve. Forty-five minutes later, Paddy and Mick, the Irish guys came back in and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?" Mick, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Paddy and me, we got three in.`` "The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Port Pirie guys put in twelve!" "Yeah," said Mick, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!

[ianoz]

How to get to Heaven from Ireland I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. 'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?' 'NO!' the children answered. 'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?' Again, the answer was 'NO!' 'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?' Again, they all answered 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?' A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'

[ianoz]

A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in CountyClare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to $10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint ya in da nude alright, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes."....................

[Stock]

[ianoz]

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down. So he rushes round to the Pesbytery to fetch Father Flanagan. He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes. "Well," says the priest, "it's prettyobvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top." "No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy "Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle. Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc." A thorough investigation was conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome . No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue. Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling. "It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out. Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

[ianoz]

Married man was spending the afternoon with his girlfriend when she asked that he shave his beard.
"I do like your beard, John, but I would really love to see your handsome face," she said.
"My wife loves this beard, honey," he replied. "I couldn't possibly shave it. She would kill me."
"Oh, please?" his girlfriend purred.
"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, John crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
His wife stirred, felt his face, and said, "Oh, Robert, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!

[ianoz]

Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech.
At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech.
Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!
If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really screw, I've got nothing left to live for!"

[ianoz]

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this.
The old priest then suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?"
The new priest says those things, trying them out.
The old priest concludes, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"

[Stock]

GOLF CLUB MEMBERSHIP

A rich Scottish Jew applied for membership at a local golf club. He received a rejection letter. He went to the club to inquire.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Jew: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.
Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?
Jew: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.
Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Jew: Aye, and neither do I.
Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?
Jew: Aye, I also do the same.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Jew: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?
Jew: Aye, I be that, too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the existing club members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.
Jew: Ach, away with ya, ma'am. I know you must be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen, and you must be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you must be a complete prick to join a golf club.

[ianoz]

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

[Stock]

[ianoz]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[ianoz]

A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.
.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$1:0" style="color: rgb(55, 62, 77); font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.8181819915771px; line-height: 13.9636354446411px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: rgb(219, 237, 254);">The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.
.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$3:0" style="color: rgb(55, 62, 77); font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.8181819915771px; line-height: 13.9636354446411px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: rgb(219, 237, 254);">He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.
.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$5:0" style="color: rgb(55, 62, 77); font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.8181819915771px; line-height: 13.9636354446411px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: rgb(219, 237, 254);">The doctor emerges from under her skirt. "How's that?" he asks
.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$7:0" style="color: rgb(55, 62, 77); font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.8181819915771px; line-height: 13.9636354446411px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: rgb(219, 237, 254);">"Well, it's a lot better actually" she says, "but...........it's still there."
.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$9:0" style="color: rgb(55, 62, 77); font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.8181819915771px; line-height: 13.9636354446411px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: rgb(219, 237, 254);">Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt. Snip, snip, snip,snip.
.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$11:0" style="color: rgb(55, 62, 77); font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.8181819915771px; line-height: 13.9636354446411px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: rgb(219, 237, 254);">Out he comes. "How's that?" he asks again more confident.
.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$13:0" style="color: rgb(55, 62, 77); font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.8181819915771px; line-height: 13.9636354446411px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: rgb(219, 237, 254);">"That's wonderful! What did you do?" she asked
.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$15:0" style="color: rgb(55, 62, 77); font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.8181819915771px; line-height: 13.9636354446411px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: rgb(219, 237, 254);">"I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots."

[Stock]

translated from Auz to Euro english compliments of google...................

A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.
The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.
He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.
The doctor emerges from under her skirt. "How's that?" he asks
Well, it's a lot better actually" she says, "but...........it's still there."
Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt. Snip, snip, snip,snip.
Out he comes. "How's that?" he asks again more confident.
"That's wonderful! What did you do?" she asked
"I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots."

[ianoz]

I deleted that ????.Could not stop the crap in it .