The Jokes and Gag thread

[ianoz]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,
so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me..
It was her beautiful, younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when near me and I always got a nice view.
It had to be deliberate - she never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over "to check my Sister's wedding invitations".
She was alone when I arrived and she whispered that she still had strong feelings for me & couldn't overcome them anymore.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was astonished and couldn't say a word.
She then said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom".
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and go for it".
I was stunned as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, turned and made a bee-line for the front door.
I opened the door, and started for my car.
Lord, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car

[Stock]

[Stock]

[Wazza]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days
you would have produced enough sound energy to
heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and
9 months, enough gas is produced to create the
energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like
it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when
it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Oh My God!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next
life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its
head before it starves to death. (Creepy...I'm
still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories
an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe
at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while
its head is attached to its body. The female
initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a football
field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What
could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still
want to be a pig in my next life...quality over
quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something
I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine
years longer than left-handed people. (If you're
ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot
jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)


A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I
wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people
like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch,
they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that
have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig?? OMG )

[Wazza]

Johnny at School

A high school teacher was giving a true/false
test. He was strolling up and down the aisles
surveying the students at work. He came upon
one student who was flipping a coin, then writing.

Teacher: What are you doing?

Student: Getting the answers to the test.
The teacher shook his head and walked on.
A little while later when everyone was finished with
the test, the teacher noticed the student was
again flipping the coin.

Teacher: Now what are you doing?

Student: I'm checking the answers.

[Stock]

Old Age J
>
> Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
> Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
> 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
> 'Sure.'
> 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
> 'No, I can remember it.'
> 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
> He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
> 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
> Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
> Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
> 'Where's my toast?'
>
>
> An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
> The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
> The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
> The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love?You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
> 'Do you mean a rose?'
> 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
>
>
> Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he d idn't need my help to leave the hospital.
> After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
> On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
> 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
>
>
> A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
> 'So I hear you're getting married?'
> 'Yep!'
> 'Do I know her?'
> 'Nope!'
> 'This woman, is she good looking?'
> 'Not really.'
> 'Is she a good cook?'
> 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
> 'Does she have lots of money?'
> 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
> 'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
> 'I don't know.'
> 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
> 'Because she can still drive!'
>
>
> A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
> 'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
> 'Twelve thirty.'
>
>
> Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
> A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
> A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
> Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
> The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
>
>
> One more. . .!
> A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
> The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
> 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
>
>
> Now , before you ' forget ', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh!!
>
>

[Stock]

A Eulogy to Frank Carson - it's the way he told them!
>
>
>
>
> Its the way he tells 'em.............
>
>
> The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
>
> A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
> When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
>
> I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
>
> My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
>
> I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
>
> I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
>
> I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
>
> Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
>
> My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
>
> Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
>
> Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
>
> I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
>
> I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria @@@nor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
>
> A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
>
> I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
>
> The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
>
> The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
>
> When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
> What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin thing
>
> Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
>
> Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
>
> A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked
>
> Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service

[ianoz]

SCARY STATISTIC

According to Cosmopolitan Magazine, 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.


That’s very scary because it means that 75% are running around with no medication at all .

[Wazza]

21st Century children .......

Daddy how was I born

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You got Mail!

[ianoz]

A Wee Scottish Tale.

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.
A Gamekeeper shouts,
'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sheet an pish!'

The man replies,
'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English
for me.'
The keeper replies,

'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!

[ianoz]

Irish diesel fitter

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,

Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies'knickers and thongs..'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.


The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

[MadMike]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0yj5tZtmfk

OMFG


Aye some good ones here boys well done keep em coming ill need to dig out some of my old ones

[ianoz]

what would you name this dog?
[IMG]http://api.ning.com/files/B3I20ZCUs1uQLmf*GaOHQY60qnNUhyDnYbe7GGaU6R8gK9lV1S CpUr8nrFdqDKJSkP3PUkbzS7N2xR054vPR5gBLqjMBQVXx/dogdick.jpg[/IMG]
she named him dick.
i dunno why

[ianoz]

I will pay that one stock .

[Stock]

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London "

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about
living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said

















"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".