The Jokes and Gag thread

[Stock]

A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.
.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$1:0" style="color: rgb(55, 62, 77); font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.8181819915771px; line-height: 13.9636354446411px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: rgb(219, 237, 254);">The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.
.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$3:0" style="color: rgb(55, 62, 77); font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.8181819915771px; line-height: 13.9636354446411px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: rgb(219, 237, 254);">He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.
.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$5:0" style="color: rgb(55, 62, 77); font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.8181819915771px; line-height: 13.9636354446411px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: rgb(219, 237, 254);">The doctor emerges from under her skirt. "How's that?" he asks
.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$7:0" style="color: rgb(55, 62, 77); font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.8181819915771px; line-height: 13.9636354446411px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: rgb(219, 237, 254);">"Well, it's a lot better actually" she says, "but...........it's still there."
.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$9:0" style="color: rgb(55, 62, 77); font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.8181819915771px; line-height: 13.9636354446411px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: rgb(219, 237, 254);">Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt. Snip, snip, snip,snip.
.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$11:0" style="color: rgb(55, 62, 77); font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.8181819915771px; line-height: 13.9636354446411px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: rgb(219, 237, 254);">Out he comes. "How's that?" he asks again more confident.
.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$13:0" style="color: rgb(55, 62, 77); font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.8181819915771px; line-height: 13.9636354446411px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: rgb(219, 237, 254);">"That's wonderful! What did you do?" she asked
.2:0.0.0.0.0.0.$end:0:$15:0" style="color: rgb(55, 62, 77); font-family: Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11.8181819915771px; line-height: 13.9636354446411px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: rgb(219, 237, 254);">"I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots."

Not yet!

[ianoz]

A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression “I presume”.

One little girl held up her hand and said: “Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken.”

“Very good” said the teacher.

Another one said: “This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage. I presume that the BMW wouldn't start.”

“That’s excellent” says the teacher.

Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: “Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that.......

”The teacher interrupted him and said, “I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can’t presume anything.






”Johnny says, “Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence.”

The teacher says, “Very well. Continue.”






“As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a shitt because he can’t read.”

[ianoz]

Paddy's fingers
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said,'Lets be avin' DA fingers and I'll see what OI can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got DA fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got yer fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya b ring yer fingers?!?'

And Paddy said, ' And how DA fock was I 'spose to pick dem up????

[ianoz]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention centre where he was introduced to a United States Marine Corps General.
As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."
The General said, "Well, is there anything I can do to help?"
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'. "
The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."

[ianoz]

A grandson came to visit his grandparents & noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from the waist down.
"Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out in the wind for all to see!" he exclaimed.
Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering.
"Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
Grandpa looked at him & said, "Last week I sat here with no shirt on & got a stiff neck. This is grandma's idea...

[ianoz]

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a £10 note in the dog's mouth and a note reading "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, the butcher takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop.
The dog checks the time table and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the porch. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummelling the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius my arse, this is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[ianoz]

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!
'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your
wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on bothsides had jet-black hair for generations.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? '
The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very
hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.
'It's rust.

[ianoz]

After applying for an operator's job i was sent to the doctors for a physical.
Well it was a woman doctor and she checked the usual stuff.
Things seemed to be going quite well as she checked my blood pressure,
listened to my heart, reflexes, looked in my throat and ears etc.
She picked up her pen a was going to sign my clearance for work.
Then I said to her. ... "Doc! You've Got to look at my Thing! "
Well she has it in her hand and begins inspecting it.
After a moment or two she says "Well what's wrong with it? "
I said "Oh nothing but, Ain't it a Beauty!"

[ianoz]

Just goes to prove that Engineers are just too smart

An Engineer Could Not Find A Job, So He Opens A Clinic, And Puts A Sign Outside That Says
"Get Treatment For $50, If Not Cured Get Back $100 ".
A Doctor Thinks This Is A Good Opportunity To Show Up The Engineer And Earn A Quick $100.
And So He Visits The Clinic.
Doctor: "I Have Lost My Sense Of Taste" .
Engineer: "Nurse, Bring The Medicine From Box No 22 And Place 3 Drops In The Patient's Mouth" .
Patient (Doctor): Spits Out The Medicine And Says "This Is Not Medicine, It's Gasoline".
Engineer: "Congrats.. You Have Your Taste Back ..That Will Be $50".
Doctor Gets Annoyed, And Returns After Several Days To Recover His Money.
Doctor : "I Have Lost My Memory And Can't Remember A Thing" .
Engineer : "Nurse, Bring Medicine From Box No 22 And Put 3 Drops In Patient's Mouth".
Doctor: "This Medicine Is For The Sense Of Taste" Protests The Doctor.
Engineer : "Congrats. Your Memory Is Back.. ..That Will Be $50".
Doctor Leaves, But After Several Days Angrily Returns For One Last Try.
Doctor : "My Eyesight Has Become Weak" .
Engineer : "Well I Don't Have Any Medicine For That. Take This $100 ".
Doctor : "But This Is $50 Note".
Engineer : "Congratulations, Your Eyesight Has Gotten Better. ..That Will be $50".

[v8druid]

I like this thread - can see several hours being frittered away reading through this one

[ianoz]

More Jokes in the sump , Once you finish this lot .

[v8druid]

More Jokes in the sump , Once you finish this lot .

I'll get back to you next year Mate !!
Could be in here a while

[ianoz]

As I stood swaying from side to side at the British Airways ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said, "Can I help?"
"Yes," I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out, "One ticket to Amsterdam please."
"You're unable to fly, sir." he replied, "You're far too drunk."
I said, "I know mate, that's why I'm getting a plane.

[ianoz]

Wheelie Bins.. In Australia , the curb side garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."
A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out.
In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks . There's no answer.
Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!!!"

[ianoz]

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'

And thus began my life of celibacy..