The Jokes and Gag thread

[ianoz]

I saw this and i thought of bruce getting ready to wet the roof on the CPHQ.
{Back in the old days here in OZ when the roof wemt on a house ,the builder put on the beer }
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0yj5tZtmfk

[ianoz]

Got a laugh out of this
http://funstufftosee.com/brocolli.html

[ianoz]

The Inspector

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit.He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

[ianoz]

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me y ou've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming..

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ed, wake up! You pooped the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

[Muz]

You know Scroatlanders are dry shites like the germans.........no sense of humour, ...............they did how ever invent copper wire

We also invented Billy Connolly ... .... but even he's dried up according to all the media

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-16870595

[Stock]

You know Scroatlanders are dry shites like the germans.........no sense of humour, ...............they did how ever invent copper wire

[ianoz]

Come on Scroatlanders , You must have a joke or two to add .

[ianoz]

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that a fternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. ! ! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon becam e aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to composethemselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date pr oceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'. And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

If you laughed at this pass it on.

Remember,
If you haven't got a smile on your face

[Wazza]

The smarter Blond

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies......................"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" . Finally ,a smart blonde .........

[ianoz]

Paddywas waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went byloaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, 'I'm gonna do dat when I win the lottery'.

'What's dat?', says his mate.


'Send me lawn away to be cut', says Paddy.

[Wazza]

Did you see that ?? ........

A farmer became increasingly worried about traffic speeding along the road next to his farm.
He contacted the local authorities and explained that he was afraid that a car might hit a stray cow or his tractor, so they agreed to put up a sign to slow traffic down.
They put up a slower speed limit sign, but the traffic continued to speed along.
The next week they added a sign saying 'Pedestrian Crossing', but still the traffic sped quickly by.
A week later they erected a new sign reading 'SLOW - Children at Play', yet even this had no effect on the speeding cars.
The farmer told the police and the workmen he had an idea, and he was going to make his own sign and put it up.
The next day the policeman stopped by and was amazed as he watched the traffic creep slowly by along the farm road.
Looking up he saw that the new sign read ,

Caution
Nudist Colony

[ianoz]

* * * * Do You Believe In Genies? * * * *


A couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband said, “Honey be very careful when you drive the ball. Don’t knock out any windows, it will cost a fortune to fix.”

The wife teed off and shanked it right through the window off the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses. Lets go apologize, and see how much this is going to cost.”

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, “Come in.”

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man sitting on the couch said, “Are you the people that broke that window?”

“Yes, sorry about that,” the husband replied.

“No actually I want to thank you. I’m a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish and keep one for myself.”

“OK, great!” the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for life.”

“No problem, its the least I could do. And you, what do you want?” the genie said, looking at the wife.

“I want a house in every country in the world,” said the wife.

“Consider it done,” the genie replied.

“And what is your wish, genie?” the husband asked.

“Well since I have been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”

The husband looked at the wife and said, “Well we did get a lot of money, and all those houses, honey. I guess I don’t care.” It was OK with the wife too.

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over the, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”

“He’s 35 and I’m 33,” she replied.

“And you both believe in genies? That’s amazing....”

LOL

[ianoz]

Chinese sick leave “i no come work today!!!”

Hung Chow calls into work and says, “So solly, I no come work today, I
really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come
work.”;

The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to
give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try
that.”;

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel
great. I be at work soon..........You got nice house!!”;

[Wazza]

Warning ,Bananas are dangerous and can easily kill you if provoked ..

banana.jpg

[Stock]

Now sor .. ye know dat bananas grow on trees ? dont ye ?

bananas.JPG