The Jokes and Gag thread

[ianoz]

SCOTTISH COMPASSION
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked laddie?'
The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘no’.
She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'

[ianoz]

A policeman in Sydney, Australia pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic.
He approached the car window and said, "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyser."
The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note.
On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath."
The policeman said, "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample."
The man produced another letter.
This one said: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way."
So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then."
The man produces a third letter from his pocket.
It read: "This man plays Cricket for England, please don't take the piss out of him"

[ianoz]

You've got to love this principal
Lipstick in School;
According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators

[ianoz]

Two Arabs are in a locker room, taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his bum!
If you don't mind my asking said the second, 'That cork looks uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'
'I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab. 'It is permanently stuck there.'
'I do not understand,' said the other.
The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Russell Street and tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke and a huge old man in an Australian Flag attire, with a white beard and turban hat came floating out.
He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish...'
I said, 'No shit?'

[ianoz]

I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower.
I realised that I couldn't find the rake.. I yelled up to my wife,
“Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then, as my wife wasn't sure she yelled "What?"
I repeated the gestures.
"Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife replied that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?
She replies,"
"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!

[ianoz]

Never question a drunk.
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
· A half-gallon of 2% milk;
· A carton of eggs;
· A quart of orange juice;
· A head of lettuce;
· A 2 lb. Can of coffee; and
· A 1 lb. Package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly."

- - - Updated - - -

Subject: Robin Hood's girlfriend:...
Somewhere in Ireland a teacher asks her class:
Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?
Young Paddy raises his hand and says "Trudy Glenn, Miss”.
No Paddy, says the teacher. The answer is Maid Marion.
But Miss, what about that song we used to sing,
“Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glenn”.

[ianoz]

A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste..." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is terrible and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman came in again for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel -- it was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really? What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

[ianoz]

married couple were on holiday in Jamaica .
They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners..! Come in. Come into my humble shop.' So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex Bomb that he already was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak..?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before..!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, pulled out his dick and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican shopkeeper began screaming: 'Wrong Feet honky mon, you got dem on de wrong feet

[ianoz]

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on UK television with British TV host Anne Diamond.
He used the word "manyana" (pronounced "man - yana"). Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.
He said that the term means: "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow; Maybe the next day; Maybe the day after that; Or perhaps next week; Next month; Next year. Who really cares?"
The host turned to Albert Yatapingu from the Gumbaingeri Tribe (aboriginal) who was also on the show.
She asked him if there was an equivalent term in his native language.
"Nah", he replied, "in Australia we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency."

[ianoz]

A Penny For Your Thoughts
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its aboot time you let me poot me hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Angus blurted out, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

[ianoz]

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a s****y new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's smells absolutely incredible!"
Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the ****...,
I'll treat her!"
So, they walked past it again

[ianoz]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating red meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. The priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors.
As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while chanting, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you are a Murrycod

[ianoz]

Paddy, The Irish Wrestler
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on
top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.

[ianoz]

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes.
She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.
She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally.
To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.
A while later, the local priest visits the old lady.
The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, to

[ianoz]

Airplane Food - True Story

Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement..:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mixup one minute prior to takeoff, by our airport catering service... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience."



When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.. ,




"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came 90 minutes later...

"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."