The Jokes and Gag thread

[Muz]

EXccellleeeenntttttttttt love it
Hey MUZ what about some dancing bananas smiley types

Now sor .. ye know dat bananas grow on trees ? dont ye ?

[Stock]

EXccellleeeenntttttttttt love it
Hey MUZ what about some dancing bananas smiley types

[ianoz]

Irish Logic at its best at work
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
...
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred .

[Wazza]

One liners wanting to know WHY??

---

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get
a Phillip's Screwdriver?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents
in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a
race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the
universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint
you will have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland
called "Holes?"
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked my how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

So what is the speed of dark?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster that sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on the remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings when they are already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. But, tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," what is the opposite of progress?

Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _______

[Wazza]

Horror On The Freeway Today .

Today while driving on the Freeway I looked over to my left , and behold there was a Woman In a brand new Ford Focus Doing 110 kilometers per hour With her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds ! And when I looked back she was halfway across my lane and still working on that makeup.

As a man I don't scare very easy , But she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, Which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel It knocked my mobile phone away from my ear
which then fell into the coffee between my legs ,which in turn splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins .

Ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, And disconnected an Important call.


bloody women drivers!!

[ianoz]

Purely Coincidental

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass
of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of
champagne,too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... Iam
celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked,
'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist
told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of
my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying
fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[Stock]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8Z8Y0g0cEQ

[Stock]

Screams of Passion

The Italian fellow said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her Body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I Made her scream, non stop for five minutes."
The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body With special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made Her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
O'Malley said:
That's nothing!!!. Last night I massaged my wife ,you know,,all over her body with a special butter.I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours ?....wow that's phenomenal !
How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
O'Malley replied "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

[Stock]

A petrol station owner in Tralee was trying to increase his sales.


So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Soon O'Malley pulled
in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.


The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly,
he would get his free sex.

O'Malley guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7.
Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, O'Malley, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the
correct number. O'Malley guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it
was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Paddy said to Mick, 'I think that game is rigged
and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Mick replied, 'No it ain't, ......... It's not rigged 'tall at 'tall. My wife
won twice last week.'

[ianoz]

A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun. A few hours later,
He is lying in a hospital bed. He's approached by a doctor.
"The good news is you're gonna be ok. The bad news is there was some pretty
extensive buckshot damage to your penis so I'm gonna have to refer you to
my Sister.
" Is she a plastic surgeon ?" asks the hunter.
"No." says the doctor,"She's a flute player.
She'll teach you where to put your fingers so You don't piss in your face !

[ianoz]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.Could we please do it one more time?'Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns,until he's down to 4 more hours.He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...'At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough.. I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

[ianoz]

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'


I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

[ianoz]

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face......


I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedo" and other names
at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

[Stock]

AFTER NEARLY AN HOUR of "just a little more white, two squirts of blue, a dash of black, perhaps a tad more white," the paint-store clerk got my gallon to the exact shade I wanted. With a sigh of relief, he pounded the lid on. "Now what do I do if I need more paint?" I asked. "Don't come back here," he begged. WE WERE STAYING at a country resort and became friendly with the handyman. "My neighbor has a nice little cottage for sale, case you're interested," he told us. Despite its run-down appearance, we fell in love with the place and bought it "as is." The day we moved in, our new friend dropped by. "You got a good buy, " he admitted. "Cottage needs some work though. Roof leaks, plumbing's shot and the well runs dry in the summer." Dismayed, I retorted, "Why didn't you tell us that before we bought it?" "Weren't neighbors then," he replied. MY PARENTS, who are real do-it-your-selfers, were sprucing up their basement. They picked out bright orange shag carpeting and then spread it over our lawn in order to measure and cut it. The neighbors watched curiously. After a while, the teenage daughter of one neighbor spoke up. "Our family has taken a vote," she said. "I've been elected to tell you that if we have any voice in this, we would prefer you leave your lawn the color it is." I LOVE TO WORK with wood and decided to carve a rocking horse for our unborn grandchild. As parts of the horse were shaped, my intentions became clear to my next-door neighbor. "You must be about to have a grandchild," he called over to me. "Our first," I replied, beaming. "I have six," he went on. "After the first two, you'll buy something plastic at Wal-Mart." MY FRIEND JACKIE, a busy mother of five boys, frequently did maintenance jobs on her house. One day, after hours on a ladder painting the upper windows, she complained to her husband that she'd felt dizzy. For her next birthday she received some scaffolding. A BLONDE, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

AN ANGRY MOTORIST went back to a garage where he'd purchased a battery for his car six months earlier. "Listen," the motorist grumbled to the garage owner, "when I bought the battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months." "Sorry," the garage owner apologized. "I didn't think your car would last nay longer than that." AFTER A TWO-WEEK VACATION, a man returned to his office and one of his fellow workers asked him what kind of time he'd had. "I spent the whole two weeks helping my wife paint the rooms in our house," he groaned. "Does she do that often?" "Well," he replied, "when we moved in a few years ago, the guest room was nine by twelve. Now it's eight by eleven!" A GUY WALKS INTO the local NAPA store and asks "can I get a wiper blade for a Yugo"? The clerk replies, "Sounds like a good trade to me". HOW TO CHANGE YOUR OIL Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change. Drink a cup of coffee. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. Open a beer and drink it. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. Place drain pan under engine. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use crescent wrench. Unscrew drain plug. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process. Clean up. Have another beer while oil is draining. Look for oil filter wrench. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off. Beer. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. Walk to 7-11; buy beer. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. Remember drain plug from step 11. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame. Bang head on floor board in reaction. Begin cussing fit. Throw wrench. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle. Beer. Beer. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil. Beer. Lower car from jack stands. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23. Drive car.

A DO-IT-YOURSELF enthusiast has been banned by his wife from taking on any more tasks after causing about $30,000 of damage. Christopher Andrews, 21, a pensions administrator, has left a trail of destruction in their two-bedroom terrace house in Wiltshire, south-west England. While trying to change a washer on a tap, he went up into the loft to look for the stop-crock and disconnected two pipes, flooding the house. He later returned to the loft to look for the television aerial and crashed through the ceiling, showering plaster on his wife who was ironing. When he wanted to lay a carpet in the bedroom, he knocked out the light bringing the roll of material into the house. He cut a large hole in the carpet rather than move the bed. Andrews once blacked both his eyes when a wheel brace slipped as he tried to change a punctured tire on the couple’s car. He ruined a kitchen work surface by trimming off so much of it to make it fit that it ended up far too small. In his hands the electric drill becomes a dangerous weapon. He cut his leg badly when he dropped the drill as he tried to rehang a broken garden gate. Then, while trying to put up a coat rack in the hall, he drilled through an electric cable sending out sparks that set fire to the curtains. This made him more safety conscious. When he decided to put some speakers on the walls he turned off the electricity. Then, unable to understand why his electric drill had stopped working, he took it apart to see if he could fix the fault. Having failed to find anything wrong with it, he tried to put it back together again but by then he had forgotten where all the pieces went. He went out and bought another drill and was about to take it back because it didn’t work when his wife arrived home and reminded him that he had turned off the electricity. Mrs Andrews, a job training manager, said she had had enough. "Chris will have a go at absolutely anything," she said. "But in his case DIY stands for Dangerously Incompetent Yob’."

[Stock]

If you've ever had an Indian taxi driver you'll love this one.... A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in front of the Pierre Hotel in New York City. The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman said "What's wrong with you, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" "I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..." "Well, if you're not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?" "Well, I am looking and looking and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?"