The Jokes and Gag thread

[ianoz]

A blonde orders a beer , The bartender slides the beer down the bar ,where it hits her boobs spilling all over them .. Bartender comes over and licks the beer off her boobs .



Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So after the third beer,a guy decides to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!




He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady. Why do you let the bartender do it?'

'Duh,' says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'

[ianoz]

Well that stock fella ain't the only one with the jokes

Was not little johnny for a change

The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry,1775,' he said.

'Very good!'

... Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response, except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln,1863.'

'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'Let's try one a bit more difficult...'
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961.'
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves; Little Hodiaki isn't from this country, and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs.'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded..

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur,1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that?'

Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand, and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed!'

Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Australian people, 2011!'

[Grumpy]

Saw this on FB thought it was good

[ATTACH=CONFIG]275[/ATTACH]

Thats the NHS for you .. anything to make a saving these days

[Muz]

Family Planning Advice

Saw this on FB thought it was good

299.jpg

[Stock]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning! The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy. Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary. The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit ***. Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre." My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether." Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick? A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it. Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words............. B.I.G.T.I.T.S. Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.." Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please." On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?" Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back! Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going. I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt. The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries! Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.

[Stock]

For the land down under.........................

A young O'malley from the Queensland branch of the family goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing..
They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him
in the course.'

So .... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year,
his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room,
kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked,

'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

[Muz]

LOLz

[Stock]

Thirty-one years ago, old man O'Malley, a North Kerry mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued him a toothbrush, then that afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap The Army has been looking for O'Malley for 31 years...

Mrs O'Malley was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The O'Malley calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' .

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
> He begins to worry.
> 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
> 'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
> 'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
> 'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
> 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
> 'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
> 'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
> She whispers in his ear
> 'That's me before the surgery.' ...



***********************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'


********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.


One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.


After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear. 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.' ...

[ianoz]

A husband walks into a Victoria's secret lingerie store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife . He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price ,the more sheer ,the higher the price .
Naturally he opts for the most sheer item ,pays the $500 and takes it home'
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go up stairs ,put it on and model it for him .
Upstairs the wife thinks ,I have ab idea ,It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing .I won;t put it on ,but i'll do the modelling naked ,return it tomorrow ,and keep the $500 refund for myself . She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose .
The husband says .Good Grief , You would think for $500 they'd atleast iron it .

He never heard the shot .Funeral on thursday at noon . Closed coffin .

[ianoz]

Catholic horses
One day at the trackplaying the ponies and all but losing his shirt Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out on the track and blessed the forehead ofone of the horses lining up for the next race '
Lo and behold.that horse a very long shot ,won the race .. Before the next race ,the preist stepped out and made a blessing on the forehead of another horse .Mitch made a bee linr to the betting window ,and placed a small bet on thst horse ,another long shot .Again the blessed horse won the race .Mitch continued to watch the priest bless a horse in each following race and he kept placing more and more money on each blessed horse ,And they just kept winning .. Mitch had a very sizeable amount of winning , so on such a hot streak ,he went over to the ATM and withdrew all his saving .
True to his pattern ,the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day .
Mitch observed the priest blessing the eyes ,the ears and the hooves of the old nag .Mitcth knew he was on a winner ,and bet every last cent onthe old Nag
He then watched Dumbfounded as the old nag came in dead last .Mitch in a stste of shockmade his way down to the track area where the priest was .
Confronting the old priest he demanded "Father ! What happened ?. All day long you have been blessing horses and they all won .Then the last race ,The horse you blessed lost by a country mile .Now ,thanks to you ,I have lost every cent of my savinds ,ALL of it "
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy . Son , he said. Thats the problem with you protestants , You can't tell the differencebetween a simple blessing and last rites .

[Stock]

O'Malley' s Twin maiden Aunts who lived in St. Luke's Nursing Home were about to turn one hundred years old.

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the ladies.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now ... get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

[Stock]

How The Internet Got Started

---

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.



And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"



And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"



And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."



Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).



And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.



And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.



And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."



And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.



Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).



That is how it all began. And that's the truth

[Stock]

O'Malley is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical
procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles in a thick irish brogue, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies in a prim London accent...
Sir! I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, "jeasus Nurse, are my testicles
black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
With that O'Malley pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly,
'Tank ya very much t'was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely......
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '

[Stock]

O Malley's mother Maude and friend are outside the O Malley home, having a drink and a smoke,when it starts to rain. Mrs O Malley's friend pulls out a condom, cuts off the end,
puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately
asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

[Muz]

Hehe good man some good uns in there .. I have an iphone too and have ended up sending some real corkers to my mates as well .......