The Jokes and Gag thread

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[Muz]

Yep I see broken links must have been copied & pasted without digital rights crap ? .. try copying it to a local folder on your C drive then reposting it .. that sometimes works

[ianoz]

Hey Mate , More dreaded red boxes.

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Part two

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An email I got and well I had to share............

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This is hilarious!

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London Olympics 2012


London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.

You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:

OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve."

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be... mincing

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler

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LOve it ..............

[Dan]

The UK gets inundated with Polish guys in construction

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Little April was asleep in class so the teacher decided to try and catch her out, April said the teacher who made the world? her little friend Johhny seeing her asleep decided to help her Jabbing her in the back with a pen GOD ALMIGHTY! she shouts. Later on still trying to catch her the teacher the teacher asks who is our saviour once again Johhny jabs with the pen and April exclaimed JESUS CHRIST! Deciding to try one more time teacher asks what did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty third child, coming to the rescue Johhny jabs once again with the pen and April shouts 'if you stick that thing in me once again I"ll break in two and stick it up your arse', with that the teacher fainted.



A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a jointwhen a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"
The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry" and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
"Hey you!"
The koala looked down at him and said,
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit,dude.....
How much water did you drink?!!"

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An Irishman is rowing a boat in a field of hay another irishman drives past and stops ,he looks at the irishman in the boat and says "its thick buggers like you that give us a bad name" Id come over and kick the f**k out of you if only i could swim !!!

[Muz]

theres a special reason why I like this Joke



A man goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde waving at him, she makes her way across the aisle and says hello.

He's rather taken a back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "do you know me?" to which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "my God, are you the stripper from my mates stag party that i screwed on the pool table with everyone watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?"


She said "no, I'm your son’s maths teacher."

[Muz]

For our over the Pond Cousins

This guy is heading home from work after a long work day, and on the approach to a little 2-lane bridge, gets stopped by a radar equipped motorcycle cop. He pulls over, and gets his license and registration ready as the cop walks up to his window.

"Going to a fire?" the cop asks, followed by "The speed you were going, I should forget the ticket and haul you off to jail." The guy rolls his eyes a bit, but says nothing, handing over the license and registration.

"You rich college boys are all alike," the cop says, and walks back to run the documents. After radioing everything in he comes back to the window.

"So, what's the story?" he asks. "Why are you in such a rush?"

Guy says "Well, officer, you see, I've had kind of a long day at work, and I'm tired and hungry. I'm just heading home to get dinner and go to bed."

"And what kind of work do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher."

Cop looks confused. "What's that?"

The guy continues, innocently: "A rectum stretcher. You see people pay me to stretch their rectums. I start with a little oil, and massage around teh sphincter, and pretty soon I get one finger in. A little more and I get a second finger along side, then a third. A little more oil, and I can get a finger from the other hand, and then I start gently stretching it. Eventually, I get both hands in, and start really stretching it open."

Cop looks flabbergasted. "How big can you stretch it?"

"Sometimes five, maybe six feet."

Cops mouth drops open, then he asks "What do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

"Well, usually you give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge."

[Muz]

A Glasgow man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along. So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up took off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was
followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other
end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly!

After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer??"

No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Govan and I worked both sides of the Clyde..."

[ianoz]

A woman goes to meet her boyfriend parents for the first time , They sit down to the meal ,after a short time ,Thanks to the Broccoli casserole her guts start churning , so she quietly lets out a dainty little fart .The boyfriends father looks under the table and shouts SKIPPY !!!! at the dog . Relieved of her embarrasment , she gives a little yes !!! in head head , Soon she needs to relieve the mounting pressure so once more she lets out a=nother fart ,louder than the first .
Once again the boyfriends father looks under the table and shouts SKIPPY !!!!!!!!!!...

Next time feeling totally blameless she lets a ripper of a fart go .


The boyfriends father Looks under the table yet again and Shout SKIPPY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!




GET to hell away from her







before she shits all over you