The Jokes and Gag thread

[Stock]

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress.'

http://www.someecards.com/love/weddi...ing-reception/

[ianoz]

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress.'

[v8druid]

The Irish golfer and the leprechaun
Looking for his ball, the golfer found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer’s ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. ‘Arrgh! What happened?’ the Leprechaun asked.
‘I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,’ the golfer says. ‘Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?’
‘Thank God, you’re all right!’ the golfer answers in relief. ‘I don’t want anything, I’m just glad you’re OK, and I apologise’.
And the golfer walks off.
‘What a nice guy,’ the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things I would want…
A great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.’
A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods, and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
‘Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,’ the little guy says. ‘I just want to ask ye, how’s yer golf game?’
‘My game is fantastic!’ the golfer answers. ‘I’m an internationally famous golfer now.’ He adds, ‘By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.’
‘Oh, I’m fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how’s yer money situation?’ ‘Why, it’s just wonderful!’ the golfer states.
‘When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 note I didn’t even know were there!’ ”I did that fer ye also.
And tell me, how’s yer sex life?’ The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, ‘It’s OK.’
‘C’mon, c’mon now,’ urged the Leprechaun, ‘I’m wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?’
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around, then whispers, ‘Once, sometimes twice a week.’
‘What??’ responds the Leprechaun in shock. ‘That’s all? Only once or twice a week?’
‘Well,’ says the golfer, ‘I figure that’s not bad for a priest in a small town’!

Can't see the new post button here this morning
so........oldy but goldy

We are in DEEPtrouble...
The population of this country is
approximately 60 million.


32 million are retired.

That leaves 28 million to do the work.

There are 17 million in school or at Universities.

Which leaves 11 million to do the work.

Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.

Leaving 3 million to do the work.

1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden,and fighting in Afghanistan .

Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local CountyCouncils. And that leaves 1 million to do thework.

At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming InvalidityBenefit.

Leaving 512,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out throughtrying to cope on my own?

[ianoz]

The Irish golfer and the leprechaun
Looking for his ball, the golfer found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer’s ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. ‘Arrgh! What happened?’ the Leprechaun asked.
‘I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,’ the golfer says. ‘Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?’
‘Thank God, you’re all right!’ the golfer answers in relief. ‘I don’t want anything, I’m just glad you’re OK, and I apologise’.
And the golfer walks off.
‘What a nice guy,’ the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things I would want…
A great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.’
A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods, and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
‘Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,’ the little guy says. ‘I just want to ask ye, how’s yer golf game?’
‘My game is fantastic!’ the golfer answers. ‘I’m an internationally famous golfer now.’ He adds, ‘By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.’
‘Oh, I’m fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how’s yer money situation?’ ‘Why, it’s just wonderful!’ the golfer states.
‘When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 note I didn’t even know were there!’ ”I did that fer ye also.
And tell me, how’s yer sex life?’ The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, ‘It’s OK.’
‘C’mon, c’mon now,’ urged the Leprechaun, ‘I’m wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?’
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around, then whispers, ‘Once, sometimes twice a week.’
‘What??’ responds the Leprechaun in shock. ‘That’s all? Only once or twice a week?’
‘Well,’ says the golfer, ‘I figure that’s not bad for a priest in a small town’!

[ianoz]

Irish Blond


An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"



As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"



The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!

[ianoz]

Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a life boat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions
Ferret stumble across an old lamp.

He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie!
This genie, however was a little different.

He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out,
"Turn the entire ocean into beer..... Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,
and immediately the sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher.
The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness
as the two men considered their circumstances

Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was that had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, "Nice going Dickhead!

Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

[ianoz]

A reminder that adult words are often taken literally.....
'Circumcised' (this is priceless!)
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of class was scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said. 'I did,' he said,
'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.

[ianoz]

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.
He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.
The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.
He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared. .
"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie
"As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." .
They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.
"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked. .
The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.
"This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.
Is there something else you would like?"
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.
"I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo.
"But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo.
"You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"
The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,
"Let's have another look at that dog."

[ianoz]

12369226_1170848269651714_4740594160581721155_n.jpg1915777_1680425208879002_4240504327041721146_n.jpg

[ianoz]

12565479_568751769959173_245584530245564981_n.jpg
Got this from Stock .

[ianoz]

A wee bit of Scottish Compassion


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.

He had no arms and no legs.


Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.


The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.


The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.


The Scottish woman came to him and said,
"'ave ya ever been f**ked, laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

[v8druid]

Bloody brilliant Stock - love the coppers comments on the bridal fracas, Connery's letter, the chippy notice and Frankie Boyle - we'll be sat on the mountains in Wales too

[ianoz]

[Stock]

[ianoz]

Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the Scots can understand them.