The Jokes and Gag thread

[ianoz]

[ianoz]

LOOKING ON THE BRIGHT SIDE
Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.
He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?"
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!

[ianoz]

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[ianoz]

Two rednecks, Billy Joe and Bubba, were out driving when they noticed the gas tank was getting low, so they stopped at a local station to fill up.
After topping off the tank, they went inside to pay, where noticed a big sign on the desk: ASK ABOUT OUR FREE SEX CONTEST!
"Hey, what's that all about?" Billy Joe asked the attendant.
"Oh, that's something new we just started," the attendant replied. "The way it works is that I think of a number, and if you guess it, you get free sex."
Billy Joe and Bubba thought that was a pretty good idea, so they each took a guess.
"I'll say eight," said Billy Joe.
"Sorry," said the attendant. "It's four."
"I'll try five," said Bubba.
"Nope. It's two," the attendant replied. "But hey, come back and try again."
Billy Joe and Bubba walked away, disappointed, but they were determined to give it another try. And so the next time they were low on gas, they stopped in again. And again. After about a month, they decided to give it one last try.
"Six," Billy Joe said to the attendant. "It's gotta be six."
"I'm really sorry," said the attendant. "It was nine this time."
"Okay, I guess three," said Bubba.
"Oh, you were close," said the attendant. "It was two."
And so, the two disappointed rednecks walked back to their truck.
"You know," said Billy Joe, "I'm beginning to think that contest is rigged!"
"No," sighed Bubba. "It's for real. My wife's won seven times already."

[v8druid]

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
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Your loving daughter,

Sheila

[ianoz]

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[ianoz]

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[ianoz]

Little Johnny's teacher was teaching the kids about starvation.
Being a good teacher she decided to call on selected students to draw a picture of starvation on the board.
Sue went first, she drew a round circle with three little lines in the middle of the circle.
The teacher said, "that's very good Sue. What is it?"
Sue said, "that's a plate with only three carrot sticks to eat, I think that ...represents starvation."
Next went Dan, he drew a round circle with 3 dots in the middle.
The teacher said, "that's good Dan. What is it?"
Dan said, "that's a plate with only 3 peas to eat. I think that represents starvation."
Johnny went next. He drew a picture of a round circle with little squiggely lines all over in the circle.
The teacher said, "that's good Johnny. What is it?"
Johnny said, "that's an asshole with cob webs........ If that isn't starvation, I don't know what is.

[v8druid]

[ianoz]

There's a big conference of beer producers.
At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.
The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.
Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement,
Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.
"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."

[ianoz]

Airplane Food - True Story

Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement..:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mixup one minute prior to takeoff, by our airport catering service... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience."



When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.. ,




"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came 90 minutes later...

"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."

[ianoz]

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes.
She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.
She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally.
To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.
A while later, the local priest visits the old lady.
The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, to

[ianoz]

Paddy, The Irish Wrestler
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on
top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.

[ianoz]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating red meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. The priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors.
As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while chanting, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you are a Murrycod

[ianoz]

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a s****y new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's smells absolutely incredible!"
Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the ****...,
I'll treat her!"
So, they walked past it again