The Jokes and Gag thread

[ianoz]

A Wee Scottish Tale.

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.
A Gamekeeper shouts,
'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sheet an pish!'

The man replies,
'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English
for me.'
The keeper replies,

'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!

[Wazza]

21st Century children .......

Daddy how was I born

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You got Mail!

[ianoz]

SCARY STATISTIC

According to Cosmopolitan Magazine, 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.


That’s very scary because it means that 75% are running around with no medication at all .

[Stock]

A Eulogy to Frank Carson - it's the way he told them!
>
>
>
>
> Its the way he tells 'em.............
>
>
> The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
>
> A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
> When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
>
> I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
>
> My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
>
> I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
>
> I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
>
> I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
>
> Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
>
> My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
>
> Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
>
> Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
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> I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
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> I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria @@@nor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
>
> A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
>
> I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
>
> The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
>
> The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
>
> When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
> What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin thing
>
> Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
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> Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
>
> A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked
>
> Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service

[Stock]

Old Age J
>
> Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
> Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
> 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
> 'Sure.'
> 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
> 'No, I can remember it.'
> 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
> He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
> 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
> Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
> Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
> 'Where's my toast?'
>
>
> An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
> The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
> The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
> The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love?You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
> 'Do you mean a rose?'
> 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
>
>
> Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he d idn't need my help to leave the hospital.
> After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
> On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
> 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
>
>
> A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
> 'So I hear you're getting married?'
> 'Yep!'
> 'Do I know her?'
> 'Nope!'
> 'This woman, is she good looking?'
> 'Not really.'
> 'Is she a good cook?'
> 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
> 'Does she have lots of money?'
> 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
> 'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
> 'I don't know.'
> 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
> 'Because she can still drive!'
>
>
> A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
> 'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
> 'Twelve thirty.'
>
>
> Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
> A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
> A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
> Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
> The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
>
>
> One more. . .!
> A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
> The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
> 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
>
>
> Now , before you ' forget ', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh!!
>
>

[Wazza]

Johnny at School

A high school teacher was giving a true/false
test. He was strolling up and down the aisles
surveying the students at work. He came upon
one student who was flipping a coin, then writing.

Teacher: What are you doing?

Student: Getting the answers to the test.
The teacher shook his head and walked on.
A little while later when everyone was finished with
the test, the teacher noticed the student was
again flipping the coin.

Teacher: Now what are you doing?

Student: I'm checking the answers.

[Wazza]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days
you would have produced enough sound energy to
heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and
9 months, enough gas is produced to create the
energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like
it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when
it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Oh My God!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next
life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its
head before it starves to death. (Creepy...I'm
still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories
an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe
at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while
its head is attached to its body. The female
initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a football
field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What
could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still
want to be a pig in my next life...quality over
quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something
I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine
years longer than left-handed people. (If you're
ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot
jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)


A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I
wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people
like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch,
they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that
have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig?? OMG )

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[Stock]

[ianoz]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year,
so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me..
It was her beautiful, younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when near me and I always got a nice view.
It had to be deliberate - she never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over "to check my Sister's wedding invitations".
She was alone when I arrived and she whispered that she still had strong feelings for me & couldn't overcome them anymore.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was astonished and couldn't say a word.
She then said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom".
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and go for it".
I was stunned as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, turned and made a bee-line for the front door.
I opened the door, and started for my car.
Lord, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car

[Stock]

DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland .. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ??'

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

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Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!


------------ --------- --------oOo- -----------


A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"



------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your f***ing plane!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Q.. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A.. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!


-------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"


------------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

--------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

[Stock]

An oldie but a goodie…





A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for Melbourne, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello," he blurted out, "Emigration, Business trip or Holiday?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the Australia."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded, ”I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"OOH! rite rite," he smiled,
"what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[Stock]

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's
temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every
time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When
your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water
and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't
swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home
drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae
touch me even once! "Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water
do that?"

The Doctor says: "Janet, it's really nae big secret. The water does
bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

[Stock]

MONDAY

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex... Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor The doctor told her that teenagers today were verywilful and anyattempt to stop the girl would probably result inrebellion. He thentold her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birthcontrol and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for adate, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box ofcondoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over tohug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'


TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said,Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!' The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.' The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!' The preacher said, 'No shit?'

WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-oldson to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angelappeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feedhim pancakes. That should solve the problem.' The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?' 'Just take two,' Brenda replied. The rest are for your father.'

THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed withanother woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.Brought before the court, onthe charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defence. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs isenough to have killed most of us sitting here, yearsago.. Red meat isawful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous,and none ofus realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'


SATURDAY

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman whoknocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him andask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'


SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Denmark .. As they stopped at a cheesefarm, a young guide led them through the process of cheesemaking, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!