The Jokes and Gag thread

[ianoz]

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

[Stock]

GOLF CLUB MEMBERSHIP

A rich Scottish Jew applied for membership at a local golf club. He received a rejection letter. He went to the club to inquire.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Jew: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.
Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?
Jew: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.
Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Jew: Aye, and neither do I.
Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?
Jew: Aye, I also do the same.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Jew: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?
Jew: Aye, I be that, too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the existing club members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.
Jew: Ach, away with ya, ma'am. I know you must be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen, and you must be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you must be a complete prick to join a golf club.

[ianoz]

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this.
The old priest then suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?"
The new priest says those things, trying them out.
The old priest concludes, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"

[ianoz]

Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech.
At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech.
Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!
If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really screw, I've got nothing left to live for!"

[ianoz]

Married man was spending the afternoon with his girlfriend when she asked that he shave his beard.
"I do like your beard, John, but I would really love to see your handsome face," she said.
"My wife loves this beard, honey," he replied. "I couldn't possibly shave it. She would kill me."
"Oh, please?" his girlfriend purred.
"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, John crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
His wife stirred, felt his face, and said, "Oh, Robert, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!

[ianoz]

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down. So he rushes round to the Pesbytery to fetch Father Flanagan. He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes. "Well," says the priest, "it's prettyobvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top." "No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy "Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle. Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc." A thorough investigation was conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome . No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue. Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling. "It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out. Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

[Stock]

[ianoz]

A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in CountyClare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to $10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint ya in da nude alright, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes."....................

[ianoz]

How to get to Heaven from Ireland I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. 'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?' 'NO!' the children answered. 'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?' Again, the answer was 'NO!' 'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?' Again, they all answered 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?' A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'

[ianoz]

THE IRISH CONTRACTING FOR TELSTRA! TELSTRA needed to hire a team of telephone pole installers for the Stuart Highway, and McMurray and the boss had to choose between a team of two guys from Port Pirie and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most poles gets the job." Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Bud and Buddy, the two Port Pirie guys came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve. Forty-five minutes later, Paddy and Mick, the Irish guys came back in and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?" Mick, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Paddy and me, we got three in.`` "The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Port Pirie guys put in twelve!" "Yeah," said Mick, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!

[ianoz]

I said to my wife this morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper now, that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?" "Nice try dickhead. The lawnmower's in the shed."

[ianoz]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

[Stock]

[ianoz]

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol; dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke; dead.
Third worm in sperm; dead.
Fourth worm in soil; alive.
Lesson:
As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.

[ianoz]

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.
'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.
'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.
'Could I see him?'
Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master. Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'