The Jokes and Gag thread

[ianoz]

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.

She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.

A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."

[ianoz]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up
dere,"says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the
birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of
the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says
"Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and
jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing
himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says

"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet
shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper
bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of
the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says "And I'm never trying dat
parrotshooting either!"

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
Og appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of
which he pulls a chicken.

Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down
until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping,

den Seamus parrotshooting

...and now Sean Og and his fook'n hengliding!

[ianoz]

Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish on the Northern Ireland/ Southern Ireland border and Patrick is the priest in the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign into the ground, which says:

TA END IS NEAR!

TURN YERSELF AROUN NOW

AFOR IT IS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Oirish religious nutters! We don't need your lectures."

From the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Rev. Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say, 'Bridge Out?'

[ianoz]

Irish Ghost Story

THIS STORY happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

Look, Paddy... there’s that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!

[ianoz]

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm.

She didn't panic since she remembered what her dad had once told her. “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.”

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for almost an hour before driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.

She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?”

[Stock]

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box One with Call of Duty Ghosts and a Samsung Galaxy Note 3 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day!

Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Timmy

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend alone in your room playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat and lose your social skills! Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with and socialize with others.

Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "Naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,
Tim Jones
-------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
---------------------------------------------------------------
Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it!!!! I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespectin' me. I'm 'boutta tweet my homies and we gonna be waiting for yo fat azz and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever damn else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, BRO!

T-Bone
---------------------------------------------------------------
Listen Pizza Face,

Bro??? Seriously??? First off I'm NOT you "Bro!" Secondly, You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza rolls all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked
for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your azz and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy
------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy
------------------------------------------------------------------
Timmy,

That's what I thought, you little sh*t!

Santa!

[ianoz]

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.. 'Dactor, it's me ahrse.I'd like ya ta teyk a look, if ya woot'. So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. 'Incredible', he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.' Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears. 'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?' 'Well fur gadness sake teyk it out, man!' shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc..... Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear. 'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?' The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.' 'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman 'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.'

[ianoz]

A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical:
- Doc, do you think I’ll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?
- That depends,” says the doctor. Do you smoke?
- No
- Do you drink?
- No
- Do you fool around with loose women?
- Of course not
- Well, then, why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years

[ianoz]

A bear and a squirrel were walking through the forest when the stumbled on a magic frog who said he would grant them both three wishes. The bear goes first. "I wish all the bears in the forest besides me were female" said the bear. "Then I'd get laid all the time." "It is so." Said the frog, and all the bears in the forest besides him were female. The squirrel goes next. "I wish for a motorcycle." He said. "It is so." replied the frog, and a motorcycles appeared. The bear went next with his second wish. "I wish all the bears in all the neighboring forests were female." "It is so" said the frog. Then the squirrel. "I wish for a helmet." The frog waved his hand and a helmet appeared for the squirrel. Then the bear had his last wish. "Okay, why not?" He says. "I wish all the bears in the world, besides me were female." "It is so." Said the frog, and he made it happen. He turned to the squirrel and asked "What is your third and final wish?" The squirrel shouted "I wish the bear was ***!" and he hopped on his motorcycle and drove off.................

[Wazza]

Didn't know where to park this so I put it here ..


About cars..

Understeer is when the front of the car hits the tree first.
Oversteer is when the back of the car hits the tree first.
Horsepower is how fast you hit the tree.
Torque is how far you moved the tree.

[Stock]

Prison vs Work

IN PRISON…you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK…you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.
IN PRISON…you get three meals a day.
AT WORK…you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON…you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK…you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON…a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK…you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON…you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK…you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON…you get your own toilet.
AT WORK…you have to share.
IN PRISON…they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK…you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON…all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK…you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON…you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK…you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON…there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK…they are called managers.

[ianoz]

I haven’t quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never really figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t fee like it, I just want you to hold me.” I said “WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT?”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.” Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?”

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

[Stock]

Farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.


On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.


He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.


While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 106 Rose Cottage Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[Stock]

[ianoz]

A London lawyer travelling through Dublin runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!
Irish Garda says,"Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the f*** out of the lawyer with it and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"