The Jokes and Gag thread

[Stock]

An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"

The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"

The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."

The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

The boy said, "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges €500 for the bull and €50 for the dog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[Stock]

[ianoz]

John woke up one morning with an enormous erection so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to bring it to his wife. The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to bring it to his wife. The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!

[ianoz]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.." ....

[Stock]

http://thech

[Stock]

[ianoz]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'



'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'



And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.



I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.



So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.



Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.



Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.



I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.



I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'



The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

> 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

[ianoz]

Re: Not funny
Reply #34 - Today at 13:17:30

Quote

.
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."


"And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"


"It's like talking to a f#$%ing brick wall."

[ianoz]

What the Fire Commander Said!

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
Not fair to make judgement of this,
until you see what the Fire Commander says!!!!

In Macquarie Fields, NSW, a 4-flat housing trust property was destroyed by a fire.

A Maori family of 9, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived on the right first floor flat. They died.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Pakistan , lived on the right ground floor flat. They, too, all perished.
Five Aboriginals, all ex-cons lived on the left ground floor. They, too, died.
A white couple lived on the left first floor flat.
The couple survived the fire.


Germain Greer and Bob Brown were furious!!They flew into Sydney and met with the fire commander. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why 21 Maoris’, Muslims and Aboriginals all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived?



The Fire Commander said,

"They were at work."

[ianoz]

A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting.
When he arrived at the motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the
meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions
on how to get there.

While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became
confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing
ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech
he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course. He then asked
her if she could tell him what hole he was playing, to which she replied, "I'm on the 7th
hole and you're a hole behind me. That must mean you're on the 6th hole." He thanked
her and went back to playing his game.

On the back nine the same thing happened. He approached her again with the same
request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the
13th". Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the clubhouse where he saw the lady sitting at the
end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender told him that
she is a salesperson and plays the course often. He approached the lady and said, "Let
me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help on the course today. I understand
you're in the sales industry. I'm also in sales. What is it that you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said, and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I sell Tampax." With that, he fell on the floor
and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She says to him, "See, I knew you would
laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he said. "I'm a toilet paper salesman. So, I guess that
still makes me a hole behind you!"

[ianoz]

"Five Horses Is Her Name" This is too beautiful not to share! "Five Horses Is Her Name" This is mythical and deep ... Truly beautiful. A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She is called Five Horses". The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean ..." "NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

[ianoz]

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.










After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family is expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.










A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

Gotta love those senior citizens!

[ianoz]

"Male Sensitivity"






The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.






The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"







Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

[Stock]

A man had just Boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh1t all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'.

[ianoz]

A female reporter was conducting
an interview with a farmer about
Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do
you have any idea what might be
the cause of the disease?" "Sure.
Do you know the bulls only screw
the cows once a year?" "Umm, sir,
that is a new piece of information,
but what's the relationship
between this and Mad Cow?" "And
did you know we milk the cows
twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's
interesting, but, what's the
point?" "Lady, the point is this: if
I'm playing with your tits twice a
day, but only screwing you once a
year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"