The Sump Jokes

[ianoz]

Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and
urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont ..

Their first night there, she undressed as he did
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied:
"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--
she stood there wearing the black panties,
and he was in his birthday suit--
but now he was wearing a black condom ..

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

[ianoz]

Loving wife
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the home owner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail And hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, Don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's ***, he thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey.
I love you too

[ianoz]

Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk".

Husband says "that's not true .. Sometimes I want a kebab"

An Aussie and a Yank aid worker are helping out at the Japan Nuclear disaster.
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "Queensland."
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this ****in' place!”

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind The Job Centre in Frankston.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........They had no idea they had a Job Centre!

A man approaches a young woman in a shop.

He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few

minutes?"

The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?"

"Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere!"



The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the Rescue dogs they sent out to help with the nuclear disaster.
They said they were delicious!


My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a "roger". It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my cock out, that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room!!

[ianoz]

A Yank walks into a bar where an Aussie is enjoying a drink. The Yank walks past and hits the Aussie in the side of the neck, knocking him to the ground. "that's a judo chop from Korea."
The Aussie gets back up and keeps enjoying his drink and a little while later the Yank gets back up to go to the toilet. He walks past and hits the Aussie on the other side of the neck. "that's a karate chop from Japan."
The Aussie decided his had enough of this shit and walks out. Half an hour later he returns and hits the Yank in the back of the neck, knocking him out. He turns to the bartender and says "When he wakes up tell him that's a ****ing crowbar from bunnings!"

[ianoz]

was In a club on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said "give me your phone number sexy" I said "have you got a pen ?" she smiled and said "yes" I said "well **** off back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing".

[ianoz]

The Three Black Men


At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a
portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink
penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal
society.

'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink
penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by
*** men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would
you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just
three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

[jackpreacher]

[Gridley]

Redneck vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to
his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to
have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly
alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb
(fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer
can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in
the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and
resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.

[ianoz]

For lovers of Sheep and AC/DC

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCRE9qOgbug

[ianoz]

Golf Panties....

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'

[Stock]

[ianoz]

A policeman turns up at the station in the nude. His colleagues have a bit of a laugh until the duty sergeant walks in:

"What the **** are you up to?"

"Erm, well, I was at this big party in a marquee and everyone was dancing away when suddenly the music stopped and this gorgeous girl got up on the stage and screamed, 'All the old hags, get the **** out!', so all the ugly women left immediately. Then she shouted, 'All the girls take off your clothes!' and all the girls got undressed. Then she yelled, 'Down on the floor and spread your legs!' and they all obeyed once again. Then she came out with, 'All the men take off your clothes!', which is exactly what we did. Then she screamed, 'Right you guys - go to work!', so here I am ..."

[ianoz]

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope." The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "Howmany times have I got to tell you .No,No,No."

[ianoz]

A Soldier came to a fork in the road and
saw a nun standing there.
He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide
under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll
explain WHY later."
The nun agreed to his request.
Shortly thereafter, the two Military Police
came running along and asked her if she
had seen a soldier running down the
road.
She replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs disappeared, the soldier
crawled out from under her skirt And
said, "I can't thank you enough Sister,
but you see I don't want to go To Iraq."
The nun said she can fully understand the
fear.
The soldier added, "I hope you don't
think me rude or impertinent, but you
have the most beautiful pair of legs I've
ever seen.
The nun replied, "If you had looked a
little higher, you would have seen the
most beautiful pair of balls you've ever
seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either."

[ianoz]

A German Shepherd and a Rottweiler are sitting in neighbouring cages at the vets. The Shepherd looks over to the Rotty and says "So what are you in for?". The Rotty says "My master left me in the house all day alone and I got a bit bored, so I chewed up all the furniture. Come that evening the kids got home from school, and, me being a Rottweiler, I ate them... so I'm in to get put down. What about you?"

The Shepherd says "Well sort of a similar thing happened to me really. I was also left by my master all day. My mistress came home from her aerobics class in the afternoon and jumped straight into the shower. When she came out she dropped her towel and bent over to pick it up, me being a German Shepherd and hung like a horse I mounted her and got stuck in."

The Rottweiler says "So you're in here to be put down too huh?" The Shepherd replies "No, I'm in here to get my nails clipped..."