The Sump Jokes

[ianoz]

A man & his wife went to the zoo, They noticed the gorilla got a hard on as he looked at the wife.
Her husband says "lift your skirt up & flash your knickers & tease him"
The gorilla goes mental.
Hubby says "flash your tits at him." & the gorilla goes ****in berserk!
Then the husband opens the cage & pushes his wife in, saying "now try telling that ****er you've got a headache."

[ianoz]

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age he was rather curious. He has been hearing stuff at school about courting and he finally built up the courage to question his mother about this subject. instead of explaining thing to little johnny she told him to watch his older sister and her boyfriend from behind the curtains. this he did and the following morning he told his mother every thing that happened.:
"sis and her boyfriend talked for a while then he turned all the lights off and started to kiss her and hug her. i figured that sis must have been getting sick because she started to make a funny face. he must have thought that to because he put his hand up her shirt and felt her heart. but he wasn't a doctor, because he was having trouble finding her heart. he must have been getting sick to because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. his other hand must have been getting cold because he put it up her skirt. about this time sis was starting to get to the end of the couch. this is when the fever came, because sis told him that she was really HOT. Finally i found out what was making them so sick.......... a big eel had somehow gotten into his pants. it jumped out and there it stood 9 in. tall. HONEST! anyway he gabbed it with one hand to keep it from getting away. when sis saw it her eyes got real big and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to god and stuff like that. i should tell her about the ones i saw at the beach last week. sis got brave and tried to kill it by biting its head off. all of a sudden she made a noise and backed off... i guess if must have bitten her back. then she grabbed it with both hands and her boyfriend slipped a muzzle over it to keep it from biting again. sis lay back and spread her legs apart so she could get a scissor lock on it. and he helped by laying on top of it. the eel put up a hell of a fight. sis started groaning and squealing, and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. i guess they wanted to kill the ell by squishing it between them. after a while they both quit and gave a great sigh. her boyfriend sat up and sure enough it was dead there it lay limp on the couch, i knew it was dead because its insides were hanging out. sis and her boyfriend were tired from the battle but they went on courting anyway. he started hugging and kissing her again and by golly it jumped up again. i figured that eels must be like cat, they have nine lives or something. this time sis got up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. after about 35 mins. of struggling, they finally killed the eel i knew it was dead because this time i saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet!" *mother fainted*

[ianoz]

Paddy Has A Broken Leg
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin?" "Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have Sex with both of you." They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of f uckin one?"

[ianoz]

Johnny's Camp Trip
One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".
His teacher replies "NO"
Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".
"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.
Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".
She again says "NO".
"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.
"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.
Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"
Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

[ianoz]

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Cricket team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating ****in anyone..!

[ianoz]

[ianoz]

Magic Penis

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.

After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.'

The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put herclothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'



The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my arse...!!!!!!!!!!'

The rest, as they say, is history...

[ianoz]

This little old lady is walking her dog around the local lake. It is a cold morning and the lake is still frozen.
All of a sudden her little dog spots a duck on the ice and runs out to bite the shit out of it.
The dog falls through the ice and the little old lady starts chucking a wobbler....
"Help, help.... my dog has fallen into the lake".
Watching all the commotion is a German jogger who sprints over to the lady and says "Vot is zee matter viv your dog; can I za help?"
"Oh yes please" says the old lady, so the jogger wades in and saves the dog and puts it on the bank beside the old lady.
"Oh you are so kind, are you a vet?"
"VET!", replied the German.... "VET!.... I'm ****ing soaked!".

[ianoz]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser. To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells, "Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion, too!"

[ianoz]

Once upon a time.....
A Mumbai Indian, a black African, an Arabic Muslim and an tanned Australian
were walking together on Bondi beach when the African stumbled over a bottle in the sand.
He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and........ a Genie appeared!
"I can only grant four wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are four of
you, you may have one wish apiece"
Pointing at the African, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have
the first wish."
He thought for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so
that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland."
****! It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.
The Indian said, "I wish for enough aircraft to take all my peoples back to
our homeland!"
****! It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.
The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my
people way from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in
peace in Muslim countries and serve Allah."
****! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the
beach.
Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"
The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began flying out,
then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the
sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels
and riding west.
He said, "Just a slab of cold beer. It doesn't get any ****in better than this!"...

[ianoz]

Subject: Paddy on the Train.
Paddy is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires,
"Are you looking at my vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll
make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.
Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder
vagina can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman.
Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.
Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks,
"Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Paddy replies, "You’re kidding—you mean it can whistle, too?”




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[ianoz]

Miss ***** Green
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with ***** Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with ***** Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this ***** Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that ***** Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'

[ianoz]

It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.
“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you.” He said, “**** him, give him a dollar.”
The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”

[ianoz]

Marriage License Office Clerk
"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Names?", said the clerk.
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones?? Are you related?? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers?? You can't get married."
"Why not?? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not ***."
"Not ***?? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to *** and lesbian couples who've claim they'd been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not ***, you can get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A *** man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not ***?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."
"Hi. We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."
"But we've only been granting licenses to *** and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says?? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"
"All right, all right. Next."
"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"David Anderson."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself?? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."
"That does it!? I quit!!? You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"
...Don't laugh, it’s just a matter of time.

[v8druid]

Marriage License Office Clerk
"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Names?", said the clerk.
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones?? Are you related?? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers?? You can't get married."
"Why not?? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not ***."
"Not ***?? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to *** and lesbian couples who've claim they'd been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not ***, you can get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A *** man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not ***?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."
"Hi. We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."
"But we've only been granting licenses to *** and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says?? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"
"All right, all right. Next."
"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"David Anderson."
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself?? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."
"That does it!? I quit!!? You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"
...Don't laugh, it’s just a matter of time.

Somebody put this back to B&W guys i can't read a bloody thing with blue on black - gotta highlight it all to see it