The Sump Jokes

[ianoz]

When George Burns was 97 years old he was
interviewed by Oprah Winfrey . Oprah asked, "Mr Burns, how do you carry so much
energy with you? You are always working
and at your age I think that
is remarkable."

Mr Burns said, "I just take good care of
myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."

Oprah said, "I
understand you still do the sex thing, even at your
age."

George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and
I am quite good at it..."

Oprah said, "I have never been
with an older man, would you do it with me?"

So they had
sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe I have ever been
so satisfied, you are a remarkable man."

George said, "The
second time is even better than the first time."

Oprah
said, "You can really do it again at your age?"

George
said, "Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my testicles in your left
hand and my penis in your right hand, and wake me up in thirty
minutes..."

When she woke him up, they again had great sex,
and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said, "Oh Mr
Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be
better than the first time.. At your age, Oh My, Oh
My!!!"

George said that the third time would be even
better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your
right hand and wake me in thirty minutes."

Oprah said,
"Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your
batteries?"

George said, "No, but the last time I had sex
with a black woman she stole my
wallet."

[Stock]

This is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister. The Commonwealth Government tried desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it nearly wet themselves laughing! probably written by Iain

Dear Mr. Minister,
I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this, How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and golf clubs from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years.
It is also on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off planes over the past 30 years. It’s also on all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966. Also... would somebody please take note, once and for all, that
my mother's name is Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely ****ing astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...
SHIT! What do you people do with all this information we have to provide?? I apologise, Mr. Minister. But I ' m really pissed off this morning.
Between you and me, I've had enough of all this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my ****ing address!! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes working there and another thing, look at my damn picture...? Do I look like Bin Laden? I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl).
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether or not I plan
on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, ' cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another ****ing copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo.. that'd be too ****ing easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our ****ing heads cut off, and then having to find some 'high-society '****er' to confirm me in a photo.. You know the photo... the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! .... You ****ing morons.
Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting me identified....
Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!) I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I ' m also a personal friend of the president of the RSL... and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.
However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" verify who I am; you know... someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN ****ING PAKISTAN !!!..... a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the "right sort of government".
You are all ****ing idiots!

[Wazza]

Excellent ,I know exactly how he feels ,stupid public service @#$&@#s ,and many of them have a very limited grasp of the English language ....

[Stock]

I believe you folks from the wrong side of the planet will understand this ..................................

You know you’re Australian if ... * You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.* You're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something. * You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'. You believe the 'L' in the word 'Australia' is optional. * You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.' * You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep. * You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'. * You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place. * You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife. * You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin. * You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'. * You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms. * You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis. * Beetroot with your Hamburger... Of course. * You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' And "Living next door to Alice". * You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year. * You wear ugg boots outside the house. * You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance. * You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them. * Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language. * You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, While 'scuse me' is always polite. * You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose. * You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron. * You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'. * You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc. * You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere...no matter where you actually are. * You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like shit. But we let the world think we do. Because we can. * You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume. * You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet - to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you REALLY mean it. * You know that the barbecue is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the Salad. * You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not. * You understand what no wucking furries means. * You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, But not as good as barra. Or a meat pie

[Wazza]

Struth and bloody hell Stock surely you are an Aussie in disguise ,no wucking furries and chuck another Roo on the barbie mate ..

[ianoz]

Strewth Stocko ,Ya got that one Right !!!!!!.

[Stock]

Struth and bloody hell Stock surely you are an Aussie in disguise ,no wucking furries and chuck another Roo on the barbie mate ..

Yaaaaahhhh and you still won't let me in..............

[Dan]

Yaaaaahhhh and you still won't let me in..............

Oh yeah ? why not what ya done lad ?

[Stock]

Oh yeah ? why not what ya done lad ?

I've done nought .........................maybe I need too...............you know like their ancestors..................

[Wazza]

Just go to Indonesia and its a short leaky boat ride to Christmas Island ,from there you are assured free transfer to the mainland + free food and board + free movies + free phone calls + other fringe benefits ,Shit half the working poor already residents of this country would be better off claiming asylum here ..

An easier method might be to fly in and overstay your visa like 60,000+ other Illegals that no one can find apparently ,where are they hiding ?? ,
possibly in the CBD of Melbourne and Sydney driving Taxi cabs ............

[Stock]

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's,
his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'


Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird
who doesn't gobble anymore.


Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your 'small round objects' or getting your bl@*&y tee ready!


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bar steward, I was talking to the cat!'


I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

[ianoz]

The Defective Parrot.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'



DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

[Stock]

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie are new settlers in Brisbane, Australia.

Ray always wanted a pair of authentic RM Williams boots. Seeing some on sale one day he buys them. Wearing them home he marches proudly into the house and says to Bessie, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him up and down... "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots, and asks a little louder this time..."Notice anything different now?"

Bessie looks him up and down again and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hangin down today, it was hangin down yesterday, and it'll be hangin down tomorrow."

Really angry now, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGIN DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGIN DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKIN AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat Ray, shoulda bought a hat."

[ianoz]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New ...York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, the states' Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia , reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australias Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely **** all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."
Makes you bloody proud to be Australian.

[ianoz]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Centrelink Offices.


'My good man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told by Julia Gillard to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children – all costs to be borne by the Australian Tax Payers.'


The man told the fairy:
'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and

-- PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!


'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.


The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight bedrooms – and a Gold Visa Card in each room -for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Sri Lanka . I want to bring them all over here.


PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.


'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.


The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said “I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl , and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'


PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a greasy terry-towel hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said
'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian,
you're entitled to
sweet f*** all like the rest of us”.
And she disappeared